Yawnalingus

“I'm on a mission to eliminate migraines from my life. After 25 years of pain lasting 3 days at a time, I have taken matters into my own hands rather than accepting another prescription for pain medication. A dry blood analysis indicated I have severe colon toxicity. Naturopaths have told me I have leaky gut syndrome. In addition to migraines I have become very, very tired.

At 53 years of age I seem to be unable to muster up enthusiasm for much of anything. Exercise used to ‘wake me up,’ but now neither sleep or exercise makes me feel great. For years my poops have consisted of tiny pellets, often just 1 or 2 a day, day after day. I've had a few colonics which helps for a day or two. I've taken Metamucil and other fiber supplements, and have increased water intake to up to 2 liters per day with no bowel improvement. Well, I am only on day 4 and I've had 4 classic morning BM’s....banana floaters! I can't wait for the morning to see what comes out...and today lots and lots of the ‘dark, hard pellets’ were expelled....kind of like chocolate covered peanuts.....probably about 2 weeks worth of my former BMs.

I love the product....every time I take the product, I feel I am one step closer to improved health and the end of migraines. I will keep you posted as I am planning to stay on the program 3 months. I traveled in Africa for 6 months several years ago and ended up with 2 intestinal parasites and worms in my blood so am no stranger to parasites. I am wondering if I have any still left in me...time will tell and I will keep you posted.

Thank you for a wonderful product. I was skeptical as so many products do not deliver what they promise. I feel blessed to have found you...I guess the time was right. Thank you...I will be telling my friends about this product without hesitation.”
- Lynda O., Qualicum Beach BC, Canada, Jul 4, 2005
tomato scare tomato salmonella tomato fear tomato poisoning tomato recall hurricane katrina obama elected falling dollar rising gas prices

Yawning Penis

Sometimes, even secret agency administrators find it helpful to increase both length and girth of influence. The following is one of my favorite pieces of consumer product copy and is available from this site.

Drug Name

Penis Growth Oil

Drug Uses

Penis Growth Oil is an all natural safe and effective male enhancement and penis enlargement madication that is guaranteed to increase size.

Benefits:

• increase virility and stamina;
• improved sexual performance;
• natural male enhancement.

How Taken

Penis Growth Oil: apply a few drops onto a penis and massage thoroughly; you may increase amount or reapply as desired. Each tube contains 2 oz of Oil.

For the best results and value for money, we highly recommend taking Penis Growth Pills for5-6 mths.

Drug Class and Mechanism

Penis Growth Oil and its unique formula stimulate an increase of blood flow into the erectile chambers of a penis during arousal. As time passes this massive increase in blood flow may cause the erectile chambers to expand and create larger, thicker, and more powerful erections that lasts longer.

Month 1
During the initial first 4 weeks you will begin to notice an increase in the width and thickness of your penis. You will be more aroused and easily become hard on demand. You will experience longer lasting and harder erections.

Month 2 - 3
During this period you will see an amazing increase in the length of your penis. This will be true while you are erect and also while you are flaccid. Your penis will seem meatier, more solid and will hang like a real champ. Your erections will be harder, noticeably larger and your sexual stamina will increase by 200 - 300%. You will have more control of your climaxes and you will last much longer. No more premature ejaculation. You may be happy at this point or you may want further gains by continuing use of Penis Growth Oil.

Month 4- 6
By your 4th month and beyond you will have gained a significant increase in size, girth, and climax sensation. Your orgasm will be more powerful than you have ever experienced and you will have complete control over your erections and the ability to hold erections and have sex for what seems like forever. The woman/women that you pleasure with your new long, thick, and rock hard penis will be coming back for more and more.

Missed Dose

If you miss a dose of Penis Growth Oil, take it as soon as possible. If it is almost time for your next dose, skip the missed dose and go back to your regular dosing schedule. Do not take 2 doses at once.

Storage

Store Penis Growth Oil at 77 degrees F (25 degrees C). Store away from heat, moisture, and light. Do not store in the bathroom. Keep Penis Growth Oil out of the reach of children and away from pets.

So let me get this "straight." I want to keep it away from children and pets, but slather it on to my penis. Hmmmmm...

Content ANALysis

You can tell a lot about a person by examining their stool. You can tell a lot about a society by examining its sewage. Another project has "pooped" up on my radar. Currently we assess the levels of different chemicals we place in the food, air, and water by simple air and water samples, and some pretty intense mathematical calculations on dosages for the factory farm animals we treat. These are fairly accurate methods, however technology has finally arrived at a point that makes sewage testing a cheaper and feasible alternative.

The Italians have been doing it for a while to assess the levels of substance abuse along the Po river. "Po," in Italian, means "poo." Approximately 40,000 doses of cocaine are used daily in the area, and the framing of their studies suggests its use is rampant. Further deconstruction of the numbers, and the assumption that nobody takes only one dose of cocaine, suggests that there are only about 4000 users in an area of 5 million, but that's beside the point. Monitoring sewage is an excellent method for determining what adjustments must be made to the chemical environment to insure proper functioning of the psychotronic broadcasts.

On another note, the nieghbors have procured a pit bull puppy. They leave it in the backyard to fend for itself, no inducing a cultivation of hatred and fear of humans. I would describe my neighbors for the blogging community, but instead will refrain from doing so out of respect. Nevertheless I have considered marinating a 10 ounce steak in rat poison and "making friends" with it while they're not home.

Detonating the Atomic Yawn on 2009 Tax Returns

My agency got a federal contract. Nothing like a taxpayer teat to keep a secret agency afloat.

We've been charged with researching what effects the economic stimulus package will have on the underground economy- mostly drugs, but prostitution as well. If you've been living under a rock the past couple of months, you may not be aware that the federal government wants to give you $300 to blow. $600 if you're married. What they aren't telling you is that it will be coming out of your 2008 tax return. So you'll be completely fucked, depending on your income status, when April 2009 comes around. It also appears that we have no choice other than to accept the checks or rip them up- those of us who filed tax returns.

Regardless, we are expecting a surge in drug use and prostitution once they begin mailing the checks. Let's face it- anybody that decides to spend that money isn't terribly forward thinking, and we all know the correlation between not thinking about the future and fucking, or using illicit substances to escape the fact we're headed for the mother of all recessions. The problem with substance abuse is this: it alters the chemistry of the brain in such a manner that it makes it difficult to control populations with chemicals in the water and psychotronic broadcasts. Sure, there are those in the profession that believe addicts and alcoholics are easier to control, but that simply isn't the case. I cite Padre Island during Spring Break as an example of the madness that breaks out when EM/chemo treatments suffer from interference. When large segments of the population are inducing intoxicated states within their own systems, disruptions in social control are observable, and our credibility suffers.

So what will the world look like when those checks go out? DWIs and PIs will increase threefold, arrests for possession of illicit drugs will double, hookers will spread STDs to even more families, possibly inducing a "critical mass" state that leads to mass infections of chlamydia and genital warts. All to the benefit of those who perform services, and as we all know, we live in a service-based economy. Lawyers will see both new and repeat clients, doctors will fill their schedules with appointments (and, implicit in this, are increased opportunities to bilk medicare, medicaid, and private insurance companies), the manufacturers of methamphetamine precursors will see their stock go up. This is what happens when you give out free money- it goes straight back to the people who need it the least- the wealthiest 5% of the country. Some banks may see some debt paid off, but the dramatic effects will be highly related to criminal activities.

This brings us to the issue of ethics in manipulating populations to keep the capitalist machine tuned up and well-lubricated by the enslavement of its citizens. As a general rule, secret agencies do not take money from known criminal organizations nor do they tend to perform services for them. Simultaneously, however, my former agency had no qualms when the FBI approached us to add psychotronic code to feed the crack frenzy of the 80s and 90s, and the subsequent methamphetamine frenzy when the federal government finally cornered the market on the cocaine trade, effectively limiting its availability and making arms trades a very lucrative business.

So what is ethical in the administration of a secret agency? Quite simply, it's relative. Relative to the character of current power groups, relative to secret agency or possibly social needs, relative to the needs of the current state of capitalism.

In summary, the economic stimulus checks will create a temporary state that will make our jobs in secret agency administration more difficult. It's like seeing a hurricane coming a month in advance, but also knowing that the hurricane will burn itself out in a short period of time. With advance knowledge, we can make the proper plans to adjust to the hurricane during its cycle to control damage, while looking for opportunities to increase our influence on populations as a result. You have lemons, you make lemonade. But you do it before you find yourself thirsty.

It's Darkest Before Yawn

Knowledge is power. This is something I have advocated and professed to all my life. Knowledge and power are the siamese twins of control. Several commentors have demanded I reveal to what extent mind control technology and methods are implemented. The answer is not simple: mind control takes many forms and has been the basis of order since the cromagnons and neanderthals parted ways, perhaps even before. Power has always been associated with control, and one would be hard-pressed to find between people any relationship without some sort of power relation. Mind control is here to stay, but it has been only within the last century that technology has been utilized to manipulate power relations.

If you are reading this- if you are even capable of reading this- you are under the influence of some sort of mind control. You have been engineered by powers greater than yourself to accept a predetermined set of symbols with attached meanings as a channel connecting objectivity with subjectivity. You did not fabricate that system, rather it is a system that has evolved over the past 60,000 or more years that you, for lack of other options, accepted at some point and moved on, confined to the boundaries of that system.

There are many ways one may respond to this statement.

"I'm not confined within ANY boundaries!" Well, yes you are. You are using the very symbols of the system you are denying to express denial. You know no other way to express that denial, and are confined to denying your confinement in the very terms in which you are confined. Try denying it without words or letters or any other form of communication.

"Boundaries give us order." Yes they do. Without confinement to this predetermined prison of meaning we have no way of connecting our subjective world with what we conceptualize as an objective world.

"So what?" This is important to know because...well, I don't know. Perhaps by being aware of our imprisonment within systems of symbols, we can find ways to command and control that very system for selfish purposes, improving our lives in the process. I have made a career out of this.

So in answer to the question posed by various commentor in this blog, mind control is ubiquitous and omnipresent. Use of technology in mind control abounds, and no human being has lived in the past century without falling under the influence of a deliberate technologically-enhanced mind control campaign. The United States and Europe, being the "centers" of civilization, also employ the majority of mind control technology, and citizens may be the subjects of multiple projects at any given time.

This should answer the question.

Cultivating the Yawning Anus

Gerbner and his buddies. Let me tell you about them. This much is true: they devised a unique system for measuring the effects of television on people over long periods of time. And sure, I guess television does have an effect. Most secret agencies do invest heavily in making sure content espouses those values necessary to produce a consumer capable of supporting an eternally famished capitalist system. Unfortunately, those values have a nasty tendency to create opposition, which results in pains in the ass like Marxist revolutions and labor unions, not to mention 35-hour work weeks- all the things that help starve the capitalist beast. And when it gets real hungry, well, look out Nicaragua, or Iraq, or Afghanistan.

The truth is, as Americans we have to have two conditions met to continue our luxurious lifestyle. 1) Giant megacorporations have to sell weapon targeting software to the military so they can take the profits to invest in the television content (or more rarely, secret agencies) to cultivate millions of rampant consumers and 2) The status quo among the wealthy must be maintained if not increased. Anything that threatens the status quo is dysfunctional, immoral, and pathological.

Cries for reform? Please...

What America needs is reallocation of corporate dollars to agencies that specialize in producing status quo supporters. Televison works, but not as quickly and effectively as secret agencies. Between psychotronic devices programmed to interact with fluoridation in the water (I apolgize for this simplistic desription of the process) and a few leaders groomed to replace a few that are mysteriously assassinated (Hinckley is the name of a carefully designed prototype, not some Jodie Foster worshipper), people in my field can do in one year what it takes television 10 or 20 years to accomplish.

This begs the question, "Why aren't they doing it?"

The answer is simple. Rich does not make you smart.

Part of the problem is that a technocratic elite has taken technology to such a level that even those with the capital can't comprehend it. They fear new technology is more of a threat to their private fortunes than an opportunity to not only maintain the machine that made those fortunes, but increase its influence as well. No longer are the poor the only threat to their hegemony, but the middle class is starting to look like a lean and hungry wolf. But they dare not relegate the middle class to wetback work- that will only make them angry. And they dare not use technology to their advantage, as it's an expensive and risky business venture.

So what's left? Sit on top of fortunes while cowering in fear?

That's what they appear to be doing. And as I mentioned earlier: rich does not make you smart.

That's One For The Yawner

There are multiple levels of social analysis. Each is valid in its own way, generally. It's the reliability that can come into question if you're doing something that somebody else might question. I say that under the assumption that everything I do is valid, but that's fuel for a different argument. Now whether it's reliable or not- that's where we get a problem. I am very reliable when it comes to producing work that accomplishes its task. I am very unreliable as a blogger, but I never made any claim to be a blogger either. Those claims were made by other people. No, I am not a blogger- don't expect any reliability out of me. I am also unreliable as an acrobat, a daredevil, a lion tamer, and a cocksucker. Don't expect much from me in these areas.

The work I do is testable and provable. Empirically. My work is valid internally, externally, and at the construct level. In the sense that the reader could do it too, it is indeed reliable. Is it reliable over time? No, it's not consistent because humanity evolves. As a secret agency worker, I find myself ever in combat against that fact. I would like to mention, however, that reliability is a human construct. And human constructs are subject to change. Verstehen.

The main question to be answered is if it is ethical. Again, we run into human constructs. I value the power of the elite over the masses- this status quo keeps the forces of anarchy and disorder at bay. Perhaps I look like a straw man, but at the core of my identity and being are these values- the rich must become richer, and the poor must grow in number to feed a wealthy and powerful class.

There is comfort in this, and the Catholic Church agrees.

But so do the upper-middle class and corporations, for these are the sectors and segments that all humanity should realize the value of serving.

Public Opinyawn

It gives me great pleasure to announce that my consulting work has turned into a full-time position. Again, my current employer is much smaller than my former employer, and I recently learned that my former employer merged with another agency that specializes in production of psychotronic chemicals, which is probably a wise move in the short run, but a cumbersome one in the long run. A large secret agency can’t turn on a dime and dart in and out of consciousness like a smaller, nimbler secret agency. We have moves, they have procedures and processes.

Several commentators have questioned my understanding of media theory, even asking if I am competent enough to talk about media in light of my focus on other methods of social control. Though not my specialty, media does indeed play a role in the work of a secret agency. As a matter of fact, a painting of Lazarsfeld, Hovland, and Katz shooting ducks at dawn next to a lake adorns my office wall. Right next to an autographed photo of Gramsci.

Critical cultural studies scholars, political economists mainly, tend to look at media and its effects in the context in which they are produced and consumed. People like secret agency administrators tend to consume the people and make them produce media. And yes, there is sucha thing as hegemony, but it looks a lot different than scholars conceptualize.

The other day I was thinking about the paradigm shift in communications during the 1950s. In the early days, the mainstream was dumb, and propaganda worked. If you were an elite you could tell someone that a Mexican was a threat to their security and they would believe you, allowing you to mobilize a Great White of a nation against a darker skinned one- or a Nazi or a Slant. As political economists will tell you, it was because the pinko elites were doing a better job of educating the masses and screwing up the slave work force, which in the U.S. was predominantly black and Polish at the time. Later, when the positivists came in to train soldiers, media was found to have limited effects on people.

At that point- and as I have mentioned before, secret agency work is a very multidisciplinary field- the true elites abandoned the limited effects paradigm for an extended effects paradigm, while the more naïve elites and academia pursued medium-range theories.

I don’t really like talking about theory, as I’m more of a hands-on guy, but this is important. While the mid-range paradigm keeps the less influential occupied, those of us in the service of secret agency administration have been using and developing the extended effects paradigm for many years. Extended effects theories basically say you can do more with mass media when you do more with the users of that mass media. A media user chemically programmed from database profiles and "activated" by a psychotronic beam will use media for significantly different purposes than a non-programmed user. And whereas the extended effects paradigm has been in practice for decades, all this mid-range garbage is just a treadmill for intellectuals.

So there you have it, I know what I’m talking about. But I also know that knowing will only take you so far. It is in the planning and implementation of strategies that wholly integrate media, public figures, psychotronic devices, and psychotropic chemicals that maintain the status of the elite by maintaining workforces desperate for work. If we run out of places to export labor, we have Mexicans. If we run out of Mexicans, we have prisoners. As long as this status quo- or one similar- exists, I have a job keeping the elite exactly where they deserve to be.

2, 4, 1 Yawn-o-ethane-Fluorax

Certain parasites of this blog have been accusing me of lying about 2,4,1 xylourethanefluorax as a key psychotronically active approach to "softening up" the target for consumerism. Well you know what I have to say- since I'm a consultant rather than an employee???? Few words:

"Go rip out your bung with a ballpeen hammer."

You wanna question my talent and ability? You can go fuck yourself.

I have many years of experience and know what it takes to build a superhuman consumer. An Uber Consumer, if you will. I know what it takes to maintain the status quo and operate off a contract basis to maintain hegemony, not through soft power, but through technology. YOU, my little clit, can go move back in with your momma and start sucking the root for lunch money. Xylourethane F is a good common ground and works both on its own AND is psychotronically active. Sure us lower-level agencies make less money, but we sure as shit and taxes know how to feed off a good thing when someone else puts it into the food supply. GO FUCK YOURSELF...and NEVER accuse me of incompetence.

I hate comments that question my knowledge and ability.

Take The Yawn Way Home

My new employer, I should admit, is nowhere near as big or as organized as my previous employer. However, one of the things that attracted me to this agency was its strong record of innovation and ingenuity. It has accomplished many of the same things my former employer did with about 5% of the budget. When you're living on government and corporate contracts you tend to throw money at problems rather than finding ingenuous ways of solving them. Of course, there is no government supporting this agency- it's entirely private and caters to private companies. It is however subject to gevernment regulation, but that's not something anyone around here appears to worry about. I'm not too sure what types of measures we have in place to keep the "regulation" at a minimum, but I assume there are some type of financial or stock incentives.

But I neglect to addres the point I wanted to make. There are several trends in the industry of controlling human populations, those being that most EM broadcast methods are government controlled or regulated (let's face it- we don't want Osama Bin Laden or other private whackos setting up shop in LA), most psychotropic chemicals are used by private firms to stabilize the economy, but are also used by those agencies broadcasting psychotronic codes. It's a bit of a bone of contention between the private sector and the semi-public sector- an issue of control. You have private firms "juicing" the water supply while at the same time the semi-public firms are juicing it to get a specific set of behavioral parameters in the target populations(s) when psychotronic waves carry a specially-engineered broadcast code that interacts with the chemical. Sometimes the "juices" don't mix quite right, and you get lawsuits and sometimes flatout government interference in the private sector. Simple stuff really- all about control and money.

One of the things that the big guys repeatedly get onto the little guy about (and usually have some type of military or law enforcement doing their dirty work) is selling products engineered to induce consumerism or other market-friendly behaviors. Their argument is generally something to the effect of "you're bankrupting people and weakening their consumption ability." Our argument is "we're in business to make a profit." A very basic economic issue, and we generally win.

My firm has been developing and testing several products specially engineered at the chemical level to do exactly what the Big Guys' agencies don't want us to do- induce consumer desire for other products by the same company. It's part of an integrated retailing campaign cooked up by my predecessor to kind of "piggyback" sales of certain products with other products available.

One is a type of sports drink of the "Quench your thirst" variety. The photo at left demonstrates the enthusiasm with which our focus groups tested it. Lately it has proven very popular with consumers and, especially women, who were 8 times more likely to purchase a certain type of skin cream after consuming it. This type of marketing is based on building neural pathways, or, in simpleton's terms, repeated behaviors, and is very easily induced by certain chemicals in the consumer products.

The skin cream is one of those things that claims to fight aging while rducing laugh lines. Perhaps it does, I don't know, but I do know that the testor in the photo to the right was 35 years old, while she appears to be no older than 25. What is of interest to my agency is that purchase and consumption of the sports drink accurately predict purchase of the skin cream, while the purchase and use of the skin cream accurately predicts the purchase and subsequent consumption of another vitamin product that works when taken orally AND when applied to the epidermis. Intensive testing revealed that the subjects, when purchasing and using any of the three products were much more inclined to purchase either one or both of the others. All due to the marvels of modern chemistry. The actual chemomechanism that induces these behaviors is proprietary information, so I cannot divulge any more than "neural pathways." Certainly one can see why I am enjoying my new position

Yawn of a New Day

Scored me a gig doing a little consulting work for another agency. They're not nearly as advanced as my former employer, but I need the money, and they could use the expertise, especially in the implementation of one of their newer programs. This stuff is like 8mm cameras, solid state electronics, and reel-to-reel recording devices to me, but psychotronics evolved out of this stuff, so I have a technical angle they could use for now.

Avenida del Yawning Ano

Fascinating what other countries are doing to maintain the status of their elites. The Mexicans have developed a sexually transmitted virus that hijacks neurons into producing minute quantities of pyschotronically active chemicals.

Unfortunately, viruses have a tendency to mutate, causing all sorts of unexpected problems.

Yawning (sic) Dooor of Perception

I always hated The Doors. Subversive cunts. Repetitive and redundant "music."

Then I saw the Oliver Stone movie and developed an appreciation. But that doesn't mean a fuck to a former administrator in a secret agency.

Daddybear should know I'm checking up thoroughly on the site he offered. Fatman should know that I'm writing in a blackout as usual- can't remember my last 4 posts to be honest.

But nevertheless I had a point with this one. What was it?

Oh yes.

Burroughs wrote about the Cotton Fever in the Red Cities of Night....or something like that. I interpret The Cotton Fever as a bad hit, you know, one of those you get from using dirty cotton that leads to an ugly high fever. Unfortunately, I got it on occasion from PDE rather than morphine, but the biomechanics are the same.

Most people have no clue what is being talked about here- more power to them. For those who do know, you find yourself at the point of death and grow from the experience. It's just one more Cotton Fever in a series of Cotton fevers. After all, you occasionally have to dig the works out of a garbage can to get whatever last taste there is hiding in the cotton. Never quite know when the Fever's gonna strike. Yet another peril in the life of one seeking death on one's own terms, rather than death on those terms that always take one.

So here's my fucking update.

Good enough for you?

Didn't think so. Don't care either. I'm living in a blackout whilst writing this post. But truthfully, that's what makes this blog so interesting to ME. It's like reading someone else's work when I get around to reading it sober. It's not really my blog, rather the blog of someone else whose work I like to read. Sure it offers me a creative outlet, but truth be known, everytime I read it it's for the first time. Now let me add some goosechase links in there.

Yawning in The Mouth of Creativity

Marriage will destroy a man's creativity. Drugs will too, but they have a slower effect.

Somehow, I have been summoned to participate in a creative recording process with men from Northwest Texas, men from West Texas, and a guy with a studio down in The Valley, which means South Texas border with Mexico.

And it all stems from a serious discussion about the creative process. All of the involved in the said routine are white men, and all involved have no qualms with racism, sexism, nor analinguicism.

See, the creative process is masturbatory

Yawning Slitcom

Wasted again. See, kids, that's what happens when you drink Everclear and use sugar and water as a mixer. "Back to basics," I always say. And there's some basic shit in there. Sugar, water, alcohol.

Actually I never say that shit: Back to Basics. That's the conference topic tagline of a feeb, possibly even a moron. "Back to Basics" is a lame and "Back to Basics" alliteration that refers to a process of regression leading to succession, or possibly even secession, if you're my alliterative buddy Gabriel. It's a term you use when you're out of other terminology to describe a simple process in your given profession, be it medicine, development, sales, human engineering, or even subjugation of marginalized classes. Which brings me to a recurring alcoholic fantasy that I have.

All those years spent at the Agency for nothing, or maybe a coupla sheckles in the begging cup of my retirement, but if I withdraw that for immediate needs some overpowering clitoral authority will tax the fuck out of it, leaving me with a petty $8K, or maybe $10K. That's U.S. dollars.

But back to my fantasy. I'd be willing to sell my agency experience to a television producer, provided I had some creative authority and were permitted to assemble my own team, which I'd run exactly like a secret agency.
And here I am drunk and very angry that my initial post got eaten by the cocksucking cocksucker known as Blogger. No matter. I have an increasingly nihilistic and violent nature to console me.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

Top of the list is Joe.

Who am I kidding? I don't feel like going through each individual as I did in my initial post that was suicided by the hands of technology. I'm too pissed to write it out again, so here's the list in short:

Gabriel
Fatman
Phoenix

And I'm not going to go into the why again. Maybe I will on another night, but not now cuz I'm drunk and don't feel like it.

Oh yes, and Fatman: Dr. Who is inherently racist, possibly more so than most of the simpletons who find themselves caught up in the white supremecist movements. It's great to like Sci-Fi, but take it with a grain of salt: the content is devised by true humans who despise blacks, queers, Mexicans, and Jews. I guess that means the writers are none of the above. Might I suggest they are WASPs?

Yawning Respect for Cultural Diversity

Ladies and Gentlemen, and you faggotous transexual surfers. I want to expose to you the ULTIMATE anthropologist: Doctor Who.

4 Hits of Yawning Anus on My Tongue

It appears that my former employer (the Agency, not the KKK) is branching out into other types of contracts. Let me tell you how I know this: I watch the evening news.

Experience tells me that a struggling group of herbal tonic companies came together and produced the necessary funds to contract with the Agency. I have always viewed contracts with these types as distasteful, and favored government and political party contracts over scheisty panacea peddlers in dark allies. In the leaner years (1992-2000) we'd go so far as to contract with producers of legitimate goods and services, but never stooped to the sleazy underworld of former cocaine and marihuana traffickers posing as legitimate businessmen and wagging around baggies stuffed with the latest cure-all from Asia or South America.

Funds in hand, my former employer went to work, furiously sending out press releases to every two-bit local politician in the database, paranoid parent and church groups, and a few long-time school administrators offering living proof of the Peter Principle. The latest scare wasn't Blue Star tattoos, but the deadly Salvia divinorum, a plant whose consumption has long been associated with murders, rapes, and suicides all over the country, despite the fact nobody had ever heard of it outside the dorms.

The stuff's now flying off the shelves, stuffing the pockets of everyone from producer to distributor to retailer. Nothing like a little public scare to get the gears of capitalism in motion. What the agency was gambling on was the fact that the target demographic for the stuff (18-25 year olds) has the most discretionary income of any social stratum and the fact that church groups and PTAs thrive on public fear. This situation is win-win for everyone, and as long as the real legislative players ignore it, the machine spits out money in every direction.

Unfortunately for my former short-sighted employer, several states have banned the stuff. Just when the machine gets warmed up the gears start grinding- apparently my former colleagues forgot to grease up the palms of the real politicians before setting the machine in motion.

Reminds me of the good old days of the agency when we were plotting a similar campaign for LSD and PCP. Cocaine too, but that was a different situation for stimulating the economy, the social ills of which we could pin on negroes as a method of maintaining the status of the white elites (ever notice that most drugs are manufactured and sold by non-whites?). But the same thing happened, and the hoodlums, thugs, and cretins running my former office now are making the exact same mistake we made 50 years ago, and blaming whites this time around. Methamphetamine production opened the door to demonizing white men, as it is now unfashionable to publicly decry negroid, and Hispanic cultures as corrupt and inferior. Now, with precedent, the Agency can bring back the once-feared demon known as the "hippie," the one who committed horrendous acts under the influence of LSD and to this day remains insane.

OK, I admit it: my former employer was responsible for the guy that took so much LSD he "turned" into a glass of orange juice and is afraid somebody's going to tip him over. He's currently living out the rest of his life in an asylum in Connecticut. My former employer also "turned" a man into a peach with too much LSD. But rarely is it mentioned that my former agency also mudered hundreds of teenagers in the 60s with superpotent marihuana. Believe me: a marihuana overdose is not a pretty site.

Occasionally my former employer will still distribute Blue Star tattoos to very young children in hopes of getting them addicted to it. That particular strategy was proven ineffective, but the associate director whose jurisdiction includes mind chemicals is still collecting data on those subjects. Why he continues this program I cannot explain, but I will say he was recruited from a different agency in Mexico City whose existence began with the German influx after WW2. Moreover, he recently crushed a couple of his colleagues who were advocating for a halt to these types of experiments by implicating them in mass production of the drug in an old missile silo.

Yawning...And Still Unemployed

So I quit my job with the KKK. It sucked, paid jack shit, and didn't challenge me intellectually.

One of my good friends Vernon Howell coined the phrase "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" long before The Dictators and punk rockers in the throes of a misspent youth ever started repeating it ad infinitum. Vernon and his family passed away 14 years ago in a terrible case of arson courtesy of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. The perpetrators have yet to be charged with murder for their actions, but another friend of mine, Tim, got the death penalty for taking the law into his own hands over the issue. I can't condone Tim's actions, and the statement he tried to make got blurred into incoherence by the liberal media (back then the media actually WAS liberal and supported the Clinton-induced status-quo, just as the conservative media currently supports the George Bush conservative status quo), but his heart was in the right place: he wanted to avenge Vern's murder.

Then, some nobody (who was actually an intimate friend of the Bush family) came along and

murdered 3000 people to make a statement against neoliberalism, which itself is incompatible with 20th century liberalism, and here we are in a post-September 11 America.

All my friends are dead or discredited. I'm unemployed with no prospects. Times are changing. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did considering the political and economic environment. Hopefully when my savings runs dry next month there will be a liberal welfare state to return to.

The neocons are just as neoliberal as they are neoconservative. The illuminati has determined that they serve a function and have allowed this organ to go on spurting its juices and processing oxygen and proteins as normal. The fact is the neocons are actually the new neoliberals. Once they got that scent of blood they went into piraña mode and began devouring the concept of neoliberalism whilst shitting the same old shit. Score 2 for globalization. McWorld is winning, and Jihad is on its way into the stone age, a petered existence, and eventually oblivion. Of course it may take a few hundred years, but that's what the cards are screaming about right now.

I wonder what's going on in my old office about right now. No doubt they're still fighting over new leadership and haven't just yet settled comfortably into a new world psychosocioeconomic setting, of which both the emic and the etic have yet to be described and reduced to usable data. The only guy that had a handle on the understanding of both the emic and etic that implemented and prognosticated action with predictable (p < .001) results is burning through his savings, drinking gin, and reminiscing about the good old days when at least someone was in charge, and developing, implementing, milking, and terminating people like Vernon and Tim.

Yawning Letter To The Daily Dirt Community

Around the same time as the death of my secret agency administrator career died an Internet classic: The Daily Dirt. The Daily Dirt was spearheaded by an intellectual, a gentleman, and a fat guy with a long-yet-thin penis known as Jerky. Let me alleviate any confusion by that last statement by clarifying that they were all one and the same. Some say his cock stretched beyond 10 inches, but it carried the diameter of a roll of dimes. Others agree, but swear it was more like a corkscrew, perhaps a pig's cock.


Jerky is an amazing character who published consistently high-quality observations, comments, and rants, and is sorely missed by many, despite the fact he's still alive. His masters took away his tool of expression due to a decline in something, probably revenue, and now there is a community left behind, not unlike that left behind with the cancellation of Commander USA's Groovie Movies.

I felt this was an issue that needed addressing, so I sent out an e-mail to the remainder of the fans, the hangers on, the drunks, the players who masturbate in front of mirrors wearing women's panties, and anybody who signed up to be a member of the group as the Daily Dirt flag was lowered, folded up, and packed away for the last time. Here it is.


We've all had time to greive the demise of the 'Dirt. But the community is still more or less infrastructurally intact- minus the key factor that makes it a community: participation. I've been reading a lot of shit lately on the effects of the Internet on activism, social capital, interpersonal communication, etc., and they all basically say the same thing: it's another avenue for people that engage in the aforementioned behaviors. Gone are the days of the naysayers proclaiming the end of nation states smashed to blurry concepts by the Internet. Gone are the days of Utopians claiming that the Internet will perfect democracy and open town hall meetings and opportunities for free speech and representation. The bottom line? The (borrowing heavily from Putnam...without the paranoia....2003) Internet's just another avenue for people to do the same shit they used to. Nothing has changed: people are still people. Bowling alone is the exception, not the rule. Your old pal Yawn would argue that though difficult to salute the Daily Dirt flag flying at half-mast, it's still possible, and, more, it's still a behavior that all of us desire to engage in. There is a gap in our lives where the Daily Dirt used to be and we are trying to fill it with other shit: Daddybear hooks us up with porn, Firefox hooks us up with tweaks for his namesake, Jerky chimes in just enough to keep us salivating, Sofaking...well, he seems to have disappeared, Spin throws out a comment every now and then, Beaudreaux's still begging for an update, Aram- I miss that guy- hasn't been heard from in months, and I always point toward the Yawning Anus, etc., etc. Fact is, we're still a community- an online one- and if technology hadn't made it possible and we were left up to our own devices, we'd all be drinking in the same bar spouting the same shit and would probably have more solidarity. What bugs me is that the Dirtspawn output has slowed to a trickle. Our flagpole burned down, and with nothing left to salute, we're looking for other flagpoles. Yeah, perhaps Yawn should just man up, face the reality that indeed, things change and people move on, and pursue Yawn things rather than 'Dirty things. But who was it that said that the death of a culture is like a star in the sky burning out? Or something like that...can't quite remember. Point being that Jerky's rantings and ravings weren't just some guy getting things off his chest- they were expressions that we could identify with, and because we could agree- or disagree- and say "He's got something there" we became a community with our own unique culture. These were expressions that validated us as human beings with our own unique and worthwhile thoughts (even that guy that got banned multiple times...what was his name? Something like Stewie or something.) So, we're a community with our own culture. We can say whatever the fuck we want to say and not hate each other, but are more than welcome to disagree. I can't say I've ever despised another 'Dirt reader, even the ultraconservatives who never learned how to use lowercase. The problem now is we no longer have a central rallying point. We're Balkanized and bored, and that weakens community ties. (Note: a huge collection of thoughts went into that last statement but I'm having problems communicating exactly what I mean by it.) Now think about that for a minute. When things are no longer cost-effective, things shut down and people leave for greener pastures. You gotta go where there's food, no question about that. But is it healthy for participants in democratic civilization to jump community-to-community as concepts and communities come and go? Sounds like consumerism's got a hold on our intellects, but I think we are somehow better than a plague of intellectual locusts. I don't want to endorse the Bush cliche his PR people ripped off from some movie about "changing horses in midstream" but I do think there are certain things whose continuing existence is worth maintaining, and, in this case, I refer specifically to the Daily Dirt community. I believe that our relationship with our old pal Jerky and his concoction of verbiage is much deeper than the relationship between a locust and a crop. So why is it worth the effort to continue? Well, it's the exact same characteristic that brought me to it in the first place: freedom of speech. The freedom to talk smack and be oneself. "Disturbing new banner ads." All these things that gave me a sense of comfort and identity validation- the fact it's OK to enjoy an ad for crack whore confessions, a filthy joke I'll only refer to as "Whaddabouddawaddaboddlewibblle," Aram's nuggets of wisdom, Sofaking's practicality, Firefox's down-to-earth appreciation for the bizarre, and our old pal Jerky's cynical-yet-humorous-and-even-naughty take that blurred the lines between pop culture icon and leader, effectively levelling the playing field for everybody in the news and everybody reading the news. OK, I'm too drunk to continue this rant. Your old pal Yawn sure does miss his old pal Jerky and that wonderful eyeworm known as the 'Dirt. But truthbeknown, seeing the 'Dirt community die out would be like watching a star die out. None of that awesome crab nebula supernova shit- more like one day it's there and the next you're taking count and one's missing. Don't let the 'Dirt can't die as a wimper. Cheers! YOPYawn

Yawning Anus: Orifice Space

So I was wrong about the "KKK is comprised of the upper strata" thing in the last post. Working for the KKK isn't something I would say has been a "pleasure." It's actually been rather boring. The work isn't much of a challenge, my coworkers can be explained by the simple fact that ability to communicate and penchant for violence are inversely related, in contrast with the direct relationship between whiskey and violence, and the computer at my desk is about 15 years old. You could get a newer model at a thrift store or out of the garbage bin behind a flea market. But it does what it needs to do, even though the dot matrix printer has feed problems.

I spent the latter part of last week assembling a telephone roster. You'd think a centuries-old organization would have had a telephone roster by now, but a lot of these guys can't afford telephones. The slang term "honky" actually comes from the current KKK communications infrastructure: pull up in the front yard and start honking the pickup horn when it's time to rally.

While compiling my list, I noticed a disproportionate number of nicknames. At first I thought that was wise, considering the clandestine nature of the organization's activities, to have untraceable code names, or something to disguise identity and lend an element of anonymity. But then I realized that the members actually go by these names in real life. For every Gary, or Clem or Buford there were about five others named "Scooter," "Tex," or "Wild Bill." More, I find it ironic that so many of these members have racist nicknames. There's Bootlip Brady, Coon Richards, Blackie Bradshaw, and Spooky Monroe, to name but a few. (I'm not worried about posting their names because, truth be told, Coon Richards is the only one who can read beyond a kindergarten level, and he's never surfed the Internet.)

Then there's the youth organization they fund. A bunch of minors covered in Aryan pride tattoos- or whatever the tattoo artist felt like drawing- playing basketball- of all things!- out in the office driveway. Not only that, they wear their baggy pants hanging around the lower portion of their glutes, wear flashy jewelry which they refer to as "bling-blang" or something to that effect, and listen to rap music. It is quite ironic to see the children of those who support WASP hegemony borrowing so much of their youth culture from those for whom they hold burning hatred so dark it can only come from a twisted and corrupted upbringing.

But I digress. Despite the good pay ($6 an hour) I feel my time with this organization may be very limited. Let's just call it a hunch.

Yawning KKKanus

Indeed the psychotronics are beginning to work. Slowly but surely I am becoming a common man: unemployed, drinking beer, farting, and watching network television. I see those years spent working as a secret agent and later a secret agency administrator as somebody else's life. When I think about it, I scratch my balls, smell my fingers, and change the channel. And that photo next to this part of the post is not a photo of me. I took the liberty of stealing it from another website. It is not in my best interest that people know what I look like. But I digress from that which I wish to communicate.

Two weeks ago I received a very important letter in the mail that helped me to determine what path I was going to take with my life. I went to the mailbox, saw the return address on an envelope, and became very excited by the idea of a new life. Unfortunately it was bad news. You see, people tend to be intimidated by others who are clearly more intelligent and educated than they are. Hence, my rejection letter from the local vocational school's welding department. They told me that classes were full and to spend another $25 on a processing fee and re-apply for the summer session.

This was either an act coordinated by my former colleagues, or the "Dean"- I use that term very loosely- flat out didn't feel a man with four degrees from highly regarded institutions of higher education was qualified to learn how to weld girders together. I'm guessing it was the former rather than the latter.

Depressed, I threw the letter in the garbage and returned to the den to be unemployed, drink beer, fart, and sniff my fingers after scratching my balls in front of network television.

But then something wonderful happened. Something that breathed life back into my mortal coil and made me feel wanted, even needed. Like a dessert plant after a rainful, I received a phone call that reanimated my depressed and beaten soul. Somebody felt I had value, and by telling me so, turned my mindset around 180 degrees.

It's only part time, but I have been offered a job. It's not exactly what my experience and training are geared to do- coordinate high technology with field operations to produce strategic consumption/socialization/etc. behaviors in segmented populations based on statistically significant data- but it will pay my cell phone and electricity bills. 15-20 hours per week, a 15 minute commute, and an organization to which I can contribute a good deal of know-how and experience.

The KKK needs an administrative assistant to answer the phone and perform basic accounting functions, and they feel I'm the man for the job.

I am very hesitant to reveal the details of the whereabouts of the office, but its purpose is to serve the coordination of events and communications of the organization at a very high level. Contrary to popular belief, the KKK is comprised of important members of society- these people do not live in trailer parks, but certainly take advantage of marginalized anglo populations to further the agenda. I am hoping that if I can prove my skills at answering the telephone, sending e-mails on the behalf of others, and matching resources with needs, that eventually I can move up in the organization, use these skills I have acquired or learned over the years, and feel respectable again. Thanks to my extensive experience in longterm population planning strategy. and know-how, my service can only benefit future generations of the organization.

Monday I start, and I can't wait. The future is looking very bright. At least for white people.

Yawning Fuck UT

Unemployment has led me to espouse some particularly anti-unamerican philosophies. One of those being that the influence of the Confederacy needs to be erased from our lives. The University of Texas at Austin has done well to avoid the issue by appointing a committee to "look into it."

I will climb up into the highest reaches of their clock tower...naked and armed...if they ever decide that such leaders as Jefferson Davis were not important enough to immortalize in statue form. These men defended the hard-working farmers from Northern aggressors and yeah, they defended a few plantation owners too, but the right to having a life based in legal precedent is what drove these men to say "Fuck you" to niggerlovers, Jews, Liberals, Mexicans, Italians, Irish, Muslims, Southeastern Europeans and nonpartisans all the way from Maryland to Maine.

Leave that fucking statue alone you coons. I gotta have some type of historical role model with whom I can identify.

Yawning Unemployment

As a former administrator in a secret agency, over two months have passed since I left my position. Still unemployed, I find myself clipping coupons, wearing the same pair of blue jeans for up to 25 days in a row (to save $3 at the laundromat) and applying for welfare. My former colleagues do not want me to become employed, and I fear that over the course of my career I have taken enough segmentation-negating medicines to unnaturally resist the effects of psychotronic broadcasts, chemicals in the food, air, and water, and any parasites that have been implanted in me without my knowledge. In other words, having spent a career in various positions for which I needed a mind free of institutionalized manipulation, I am now unaffected by those very social tools, many of which I designed, that regulate the rest of the population and neatly segment it into groups for refined manipulation. How I envy those hardworking men and women with an IQ of 100 who have no idea the bliss that ignorance provides.

Yesterday I had an interview for a position as a dishwasher in a mediocre local restaurant. Needless to say, I did not give them a curriculum vitae, as most of the work I have done in the past ten years is far beyond the comprehension of a restaurant manager. I simply put a history of dishwashing in mediocre restaurants in the conveniently designed 2-page front-back application. During the interview, in which I resisted every urge to explain to the manager how psychotronics and psychoactive chemicals worked together to produce predictable behaviors with a .001 confidence interval (99.9% confidence level) and incorporating such knowledge into management strategy could maximize efficiency, he received a telephone call.

“Excuse me, I have to take this,” he said, leaving me alone in the office with the fake tile floor and stink of industrial floor cleanser. There was a dried french fry next to the metal foot of the metal leg of his otherwise plastic chair. The kind that amplifies farts and created a rumbling when one passes gas.
When he returned his face was completely pale and his eyes were dilated. With almost a robotic voice, he told me that they were unable to hire at this time but to check back in six months. He showed me the door, shut it when I was out of the office, and before I left, I could hear the deadbolt lock from the inside.

A modified Crackler. That’s what it was. A simple psychotronic device almost 50 years old, a signature prank of one of the Yawning Anus Associate Directors. We haven’t used those seriously since the 50’s, and quite obviously the user wanted me to know who called, otherwise he wouldn’t have used such a primitive psychotronic device that leaves the subject in such an obviously influenced state.

Now, penniless, I must find a way to support myself. Welfare isn’t as easy to get as the Right would lead one to believe, especially if your previous tax return shows you made enough money to not fall within the poverty zone. Perhaps I made $100,000 (yeah right) in calendar year 2005. It doesn’t do me any good now in my unemployment and only serves to exclude me from benefits that are going to those who are currently earning $100,000 a year but only earned $18,000 in 2005. As long as I stay unemployed for another year, I can get on welfare with a six-figure-a-year job until someone wants a tax return for 2007. And by that time, the way I figure things, that’s what it will take to pay off the debt accrued during this malicious phase of unemployment.

Then again, I have powerful allies-turned-enemies. Counteracting their influences may take means beyond simply working the safety net system. This is no threat or indication of intention, but should my enemies fall victim to particularly violent and painful accidents leading to agonizing suffering and death, I could probably get that dishwashing job I’ve been wanting, and avoid getting on welfare. Welfare devours the sense of pride, which is about all I have left. But for how long....?

Yawnings of the Fatman

It's pretty sad when not only am I unemployed, but I get lazy and ask other people to write for me.

The raving genius known as Fatman during an extended sabbatical of sorts from Australia has assembled what can only be called the Cliff Notes version of the agency's past few years. He has a far better memory than I do.

Timeline (thus far)

The 1940's- Agency employs Midwest farmers to grow reefer, kicking off their drug distribution activities.

The 1960's- Agency distributes LSD. "When we mixed our supply and distribution with a media campaign, we got voted in."

The 1970's-Agency distributes cocaine.

The 1980's- After a deal with bikers fall through The Agency uses the Mexican mafia to keep most of America supplied with methamphetamine.

June 4th, 2004- The Man from Arizona begins to catch up with Yawn. Purposes unknown.

June 5th, 2004-Yawn is convinced that the Man from Arizona, a possible agent of rival Agency CIA, is trying to poison him with arsenic as his beer tastes metallic whenever he is around.

June 7th, 2004- Due to the Patriot Act the Yawning Anus Agency is allowed to torture prisoners using a Thai device called the Moya. "Our federal funds have allowed us to purchase one hundred of these instruments- 5 for each office in the U.S." (Which, according to my rum-soaked brain and counting beads, means that Yawning Anus has 20 offices in the U.S.)

-Yawn's Request For Use of Stored Equipment comes back enabling the Agency to re-use psychotronics. "...all the people we discredited and branded as schizophrenics back in the 80s have met with accidents or been drugged to the point of no return. We've even got the Russian data translated to complement our own"

"Our first target of course will be college campuses in the area, where dangerous anti-American ideas and conspiuracy theories spread like viruses."

"Our second target will be the resistance and these quacks peddling a load of crap who have no idea how the technology works. On second thought, maybe keeping the quacks around to discedit the resistance isn't such a bad idea. I'll have to meet with a couple of the officers in the field to know what type of information the agents and their contacts are bringing in."

June 9th, 2004- Copy paper runs low at Agency. Yawn is notified by a female assistant who is strung out on drugs by an Agency doctor. "Our doctor has done us a great favor by getting her strung out on various prescription medications. Addictions that strong transcend normal fuckupdom and cocaine habits: risking one's job becomes an act of risking one's life, because without our blessing and insurance, she will die of withdrawal, probably vomiting to death in a bathtub if she doesn't slash her wrists at the first sign of symptoms."

The Agency is working on a synthetic pain killer you can manufacture in your bathroom with "a few poppy seeds, antifreeze, plastic tubing, and a roll of duct tape." Currently the new drug doesn't have a slang name. Scheduled to hit the streets in about a year or so

June 14th, 2004- While listening to DIO lyricsYawn theorizes that if the Agency collects enough data from Madonna's music that they can incorporate it into pyschotronics using it as a weapon on those with susceptible minds.
"Perhaps the music itself could be used as a weapon when broadcast from a high intensity, ultra-low decibel tower. Entire populations could be sent into the oozing throes of homosexuality, probably in groups of 4 or 5."

June 21st, 2004- Yawn's computer gets infected with '3-D Volcano'

June 24th, 2004- Yawn gets his car broken into.

June 25th, 2004- The Agency release 2 important gadgets: the electric salad tosser and the tapioca pump. "See, I got a mandate from above to hit central America and score one of each of these devices for marketing and social control purposes."

July 7th, 2004- Yawn lays claims that his Agency came up with 'emo core' (as a response to the FBI supposedly inventing Death Metal)

July 8th, 2004- The Agency inject substances to turkeys to help the effect of their psychotronics. "Long day today. We injected over 5000 market-ready turkeys with a neutral substance the average consumer doesn't need to worry about. In testing, it caused leukemia in about 1/10 of a percent of lab rats with side effects ranging from sleepiness to gas. Sleepiness was the most common side effect."

July 14th-July 26th, 2004- Yawn spends some time in hospital after a tapioca pump factory explosion causes him to almost drown

Yawning Anus on drugs: "Drugs get a good emotional response out of non users who vote in our favor. Therefore we have to keep a certain level of supply out there to emotionally charge the voters and keep the haves having and the have-nots wanting. That's how we operate." June 9th, 2004

Fistfull of Yawning Anus

I used to be one of five associate directors continuously analyzing data and planning population behaviors and statistics for a secret agency. Administrative leave with pay has run out, and I’m squeezing out the last of the fumes, crumbs, or scrapings- whatever you want to call it- from accrued vacation time (Yes, even secret agencies give out vacation time, 401K matching, and other simple benefits.) In the meantime for my own amusement, I’m looking for conspiracies in places they should exist, but apparently don’t. When you’re a hammer, everything’s a nail, but for some reason all I see these days are screws and bolts, a metaphoric confession of feelings of impotence. That’s not to say my former secret agency administrator dick won’t get hard. It just means my hands are tied in the practice of my virility and influence, and the world seems to have shifted beyond my abilities to control it.

So goes unemployment. I’m now just like the next guy applying for an electronic benefits transfer card or Medicaid. A loafer on welfare I will become before this is all over.

I thought about joining the KKK. I even ran the idea by a few of my former colleagues (who are black, Mexican, and Jewish respectively) and they thought it was a grand (wizard) idea. Grand idea or not, it just doesn’t pay as well as agency or consultant work, which I haven’t been able to find due to the fact that, well, I really haven’t looked.

Several commentators insisted I seek refuge among mercenaries and other anomalies of the third world- after all, they’re always looking for someone with my type of expertise to quell pesky tribal thought and outdated concepts like human rights. But since I got rid of that last bout of malaria with a series of unpleasant, definitely furtive and possibly illegal injections, going back just isn’t as appealing.

If anyone has any suggestions for what career path I should take, please feel free to comment. As is, I’m killing the pain of unemployment quite effectively using a chemical cocktail of my own, namely gin, beer, and intravenous injections of 1,2-9 Oxydicohydrone when I’m not getting into the last of the PDE I lifted under fieldwork pretenses. Once that runs out, I’ll be off to the streets to seek out crack cocaine and heroin, but the street drugs are never as good as the ones developed and produced in labs by the same folks who produce psychotronically active chemicals and their antidote, the lovely Negazol.

Please comment. I will be looking forward to what the rest of the world thinks a former secret agency administrator should do with his life.

The Bird In Hand Is Worth 2 In The Yawning Anus...2.0

Though I post more frequently, it is becoming harder and harder to find the motivation and the inspiration to write. No longer am I inspecting laboratories with high-tech neurological engineering experiments, visiting psychotronic broadcast field sites, or approving orders for psychoactive chemicals and printer cartridges. I'm pretty much sitting in front of the TV drinking beer and waiting for the psychotronic code to change and create an irresistible drive within me that places me squarely withing a segment. The fact I have no desires or interests pretty much proves the fact that those jackasses in my former agency aren't doing shit, and nothing is changing in my absence. I'm a man without a carefully designed and engineered segment, and someone isn't doing their job to accomodate all members of the population.
Today I bought a large bag of narcotic painkillers, perhaps a half gallon, with the intention of dissolving said narcotics in water and sipping it all day like secret agency administrators years ago used to sip 190 proof alcohol. I wanted to nurse a clear tonic bottle whilst sitting on the porch and formulating conspiratorial takeover theories about the negroes across the street or the Mexicans next door. A white man's life is incomplete without a gut feeling that minorities and liberals are out to destroy either him or his way of life.

Unfortunately, I hate to do that (sip narcotic solutions), as the issue of dosage can cause problems. But as I have no access to the software that determines dosage for psychophysiological makeup, I decided to just hold on to the half gallon bag and "sip" as necessary.

See? I've lost the balls to make decisions. Woe is me. What has my life become?

Balls or none, I still can formulate conspiracy theories on how the negro will rise to power and enslave the likes of me, or how the Mexicans will assimilate me into a bastard Aztec-Catholic culture of human sacrifice. Nothing can stop the imagination. Let's see what I have to say in a month's time- I bet it'll be good and paranoid.

Vaya con Yawning Anus

When multiple commentors demand answers to seemingly trivial questions, one knows that one has a problem. Perhaps I have not made myself clear: I AM NO LONGER AN ADMINISTRATOR IN A SECRET AGENCY. I was, but that time has passed, and I am now just a normal unemployed guy. I sit around watching Guiding Light, farting, drinking beer, and picking my balls. Sometimes I go to the bar and someone force-feeds me a painkiller or an amphetamine pill, but that's about as exciting as it gets for a former secret agency administrator.
Sorry folks, I won't be talking about the wonders of psychotronic implementation, the amazing results of drugging the food, air, and water, nor EM spectrum-emitting parasites for a while. I have gained almost 15 pounds and have re-explored the alcoholism I developed during my youth. This is what happens when secret agency administrators leave their jobs and become normal folk.

Anyone that has questions about this is free to leave a comment, but the truth is, though I spent years as a secret agent and later many more years as a secret agency administrator, I'm just as unemployed as the Flash animator or the GM plant worker sitting next to you, the reader.

Today in my unemployment I decided to paint the bathroom. I found myself unemployed, painting, and realizing how the Jews have undermined my dignity and forced me into a state of servitude. After all, what else is a housepainter supposed to do? Tomorrow I will be organizing a group of fellow unemployees to find gainful employment and make sure this does not happen again.

I Gotta Rocket in My Pocket and a Yawning Anus

30 days have passed. 30 days of administrative leave with pay. I'm not going back to that shithole of a Yawning Anus, and they don't want me to come back either.

Today I was fuckinmg my wife and we broke the bed. I had to go out and buy a drill and a rubber mallet to get it fixed. Just like a normal guy. I am no longer an administrator in a secret agency. What does this mean?

Frequently I find myself fantasizing about being an overseer or master on a Southern plantation. Perhaps these fantasies are flashes of a previous life coming to surface in my conscience: previous desires and tastes making their ways to the surface. Perhaps it is my history of dueling and the guilt I feel for having snuffed these men to appease my own sense of honor bubbling away at the base of my medula, just itching for a release.

Regardless, beating slaves into submission seems so much like a requirement these days. A requirement that keeps me psychologically sound. Because all this freedom simply isn't working. I have to beat someone, and soon, if I am to maintain my sanity.

Yawning Pastime

You are Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels You are a loyal friend and a skilled speaker. You would support your Fuhrer even at the cost of your life and the lives of your wife and beautiful children. You are definitely a bastard. [ find out which Nazi Bastard you are ]

Yawning Deep Throat

Now on Day 15 of my administrative leave, with no hints of being able to return, nor prospects for income in the coming months, I give you these: a listing of groups disguised as your general Internet fare. Though in disguise, these groups are acutely aware of the agency's activities, as well as the activities of those who pay the agency's gas bill. Some were created by former clients, some by misfires, others by people who somehow find a way to combat the chemicals in their intake that operate off the code broadcast by psychotronic towers and other devices. Call me disgruntled, but I can't make life easier for those who have made me disposable. May the segments unravel.

The Russo-Australian Breakdown

Napa Valley: A Psychotronic Dead Zone

Awakened By Both Katrina and Rita

Information+Disinformation Cocktail On The Run

A Nest of Paranoia In The Absence of Leadership

Lubing the Yawning Anus with Greivance

Several commentors have insisted I answer the question of whether this is a light at the end of the tunnel leading to the Yawning Anus. At this time I cannot say for certain, but I have received job offers from other secret agencies. Time will tell us if the agency for which I am currently on leave with administrative pay will survive changes in management if one or more parties decides that change in management is for the best. I have worked and fought for my vision for many years now, and it is in the best interest of the agency to exploit its existing technological and political capitol to that end. It seems like a waste to throw me out and get someone else to match the umph of the agency with the needs of the clients and my vision as a roadmap, but I suspect I will be replaced pending my resignation with someone with a different vision and the resources I have established to meet the ends of clients.

Rarely do I act on emotion, but I'm feeling pretty screwed right now. It is for this reason I feel a need to air my greivances with the Powers That Be. The worst they can do is fire me from a job I probably won't have when my administrative leave is up. So here goes: the top ten Yawning Anus Greivances.

1) Certain segments of populations are designed to behave in certain ways. One segment in particular, YAS3221, is filtered out through the use of psychotronics and chemicals in low-end convenience foods to produce occupations for other segments, namely YAS4612 and YAS 7688. YAS3221 is a group that will produce domestic violence once every thirty days, statistically significant at .003 alpha level. I have argued to the end that we can decrease the size of the segment while increasing the intensity of the violence, but my masters like quantitiy over quality. Yes, I know, there's a conflict of interest with medical specialists (plastic surgeons) who pay us for other services versus ER doctors, but even I have to answer to higher-ups.

2) I cannot be blamed for the terribly low price of gasoline. We have had several years of successfully manipulating the price for our clients, and the latest drop comes from actions by powers we cannot control. Our clients are lucky that our measures have kept it from sinking below $2 a gallon. Blaming me for this devastating drop in price is like blaming the gay weatherman for unexpected changes in the forecast. Even the weatherman answers to higher powers than himself.

3) A couple of years ago there were rumors that the agency actively chose to trade goats for sex with Central American prostitution rings. One of our accreditors and several colleagues on one of the review boards furthered these rumors with various reports, humiliating us in front of clients. Due to the nature of the agency, we were indeed exempt from those family-related sex scandal pitfalls that those in the public sector suffer. Nevertheless it was humiliating. And they were sheep.

4) It takes a village to raise a secret agency. One of our bigger clients lobbied several smaller clients and threatened a large boycott of our services if we did not invest more of our maintenance and operations budget in conservative-supported coca growers in South America. Financing the drug trade is ticklish and sketchy, at best, but we have always found that liberal groups are more cost-effective in producing cocaine than the frequently church-sponsored conservative coca growers. My position as an administrator? Provide clients the best services at the best price. But they don't seem to get the idea that we are specialists in our trade and have their budgets in mind. Result: client dollars go to conservative cocaine producers and I am accused of padding the clients' bills.

5) In the early days of the agency, I had no problem earmarking budget for gangs of African Americans. They were a sweet resource- pay them off to commit violent crimes and go to jail, sending a political message over every TV screen and radio speaker that blacks are violent and a paternal white man deserves his status as an elite, possibly as a patron of marginalized communities, regardless of what his budget funds. Many blacks accepted this message and actively chose to assimilate WASP culture, sometimes by force according to many sources.

But in the past 5 years this approach has not worked, and we have had to turn to the Mexicans for our justifications of pinning social ills on immigrants. A colleague of mine in Mexico City provides the contacts for the Mexican mafia, who in turn receive customs protection in the cocaine trade, of which we do not control but have a say in the production, and forwards us the identities of people upon whom to pin violent crimes committed in the United States. As a result, the Mexican is perceived as a violent cancer upon the US, and engraving that image in US citizens serves as a value, maybe a benchmark, upon which to base other manipulation campaigns. As long as the American father fears for his daughter's chastity at the hands of hispanics, segments are maintained and behaviors are predicted.

This schema is highly racist, offends my values as a true American, and makes me sick. However, pressuring my masters to return to the use of African Amercans as boogie men has been met with negative response, and I fear this will continue. Research suggests the elites view the violent negro as a passe and crass social construct as a direct result of mainstream assimilation of "jive talk," "ebonics," and other forms of vocal expression.

Attention Negro: the civil rights movement and subsequent negricization of suburban white youth has castrated you. White people no longer fear or loathe you. You are no longer a functional structure or part of a collection of subsegments. How does it feel to be equal? Good luck finding a job with all these Mexicans around.

To the elites the real monster speaks Spanish or is bilingual, depending on his generation. The black man is now considered to be one of the 8-tracks of domestic threats, right down there with the Italians, Jews, Irish, and Catholics. The commies in Cuba and China are now pushing for research on Mexicans, Arabs, and queers. How times change.

6) The agency has an office of special operations. Usually we employ the less cerebral of agents in this department, but it performs key functions that a million doctors and engineers could not. It deals with people, beliefs, values, and constitution of soul. These particular agents go into the field and create groups to support public figures. Frequently they start in smaller churches and work their way into high schools and colleges, focusing on the 17-18 year old demographic (kids talk more and spread whatever philosophy you implant into them.) A client once asked why he rarely saw 17 and 18 year olds he had known for years at his own church. After all, they had been members of the congragation since infancy. I explained to him we use a psychotronic algorithm to drive that particular segment to where they will benefit our clients the most from a segmentational perspective, be it to other church, drug dealer, college library, or civil rights protest.

He didn't feel this was enough.

Because of this, several clients worked together and came up with a plan to change policy making in the United States to benefit their strategic strengths in a way they felt was more effective than our own. I fought this tooth and nail, but money always wins out and you have to make concessions.

As a result, there are now over 250 groups operating in the US to fulfill the purposes of that particular group of clients, unbeknownst to the participants themselves. Those 17 and 18 year olds you don't see at church anymore have found another church with "cooler" adults leading the hymns for the Protestants and the Eucharist for the Episcopalians, Catholics et al.

Truth be known, poor choices in personnel outed the Branch Davidians and several white supremecist communities early, but since the Osama bin Laden group accomplished the task intended for domestic militias, the rest are now useless. The result? Fully-functioning domestic terrorist training camps full of angry teenagers. Your children go to school with them, and their parents are ready to deal with you when the time comes, leaving their children to manage yours in a camp setting.

7) My clients forced my agency to fix the Superbowl for the Patriots so that the first Superbowl after 9/11/01 would have a red, white, and blue theme and large scale production of propaganda and nationalism to get support for sending young Americans to die in Afghanistan and Iraq. So far, the 3000 that have died are still worth less than the cost of the Superbowl celebratory finale.

Later we had a budget to do it again. I will not out the spearheading client, but they are also responsible for the drop in gas prices for the same reason: the farce that we call voting. (Yes, people have been proven to vote for officials based on Superbowl winners, their home states, and their connections.) Even big clients need someone to produce numbers that favor them, and voting provides a process from which to collect numbers, whether they refelect the behavior patterns of the strata which I group into segments or not. I was especially proud of the discretion of this accomplishment, as it's ungoogleable to this day.

I have many, many more greivances, but these particular ones have made my job much more difficult over the past few years. Not a single client can complain about performance, but should my masters have a better candidate with a different moral compass, I will be talking to my friend Billy who manages a local hamburger joint about a job as assistant manager. I will also be on the lookout for some shadier chemical engineer contacts for a taste of that sweet, sweet Polydichoric Euphimal.

"Even the world’s best laid plans end up in the garbage can."

Not everything works out all the time for everybody, including administrators of secret agencies. With the drop in gas prices, I have been put on administrative leave with pay.
It’s what happens when things are perceived to not be working properly and the micromanager becomes the micromanaged. It’s what happens when the good old boys fly too close to the sun and have a moment to look down at their colleagues-turned-enemies, just before their wings melt and they fall to a particularly terrifying death. At least that’s how I hope destiny harvests them.

Considering the increased power among the elites and the continuing marginalization and elimination of the middle class during my tenure, I consider these conspiratorial decisions to be insults to a highly developed agency, not to mention the profession of secret agency administration in general. NUMBERS DON’T LIE, but people do. I have numbers and results on my side, but not the network of religious goons to speak it on their mucous-encrusted chapped lips in to the ears of my clients. When the private sector takes its orders from God’s bureaucracy, rampant consumerism is threatened, and a secular yet divided society is unstable at best. I also suspect this is the first step in using the technology and know-how I have directed over the past several years to installing a theocracy wherin one finds the money at the top 3% and the toil and sweat at the bottom 97%.

So I was just a stepping stone the entire time, a means for priming an entire society (arguably an entire civilization) for a theocratic coup that starts with the rolling of my head down the gangplank whilst the ship sets sail for the promised land of milk, honey and 72 virgins. Yes, I will be testy until that first piece of psychotronic code is broadcast, activating the various chemoactives in my bloodstream, and leaving me in full recognition and awe of a higher master. But I have vodka to ease that pain.

Parasite Lost

I do not watch that much television, perhaps 30 minutes per day, as being an administrator in a secret agency keeps me very busy and focused on my career. Yesterday I happened to catch a snippet of an infomercial for a colon cleanser which was being promoted by testimonials, most of which involved the users of the system inspecting and analyzing their own feces and those of their children. “This is powerful advertising,” I thought. Then a chill crept up my spine as I realized that using these colon cleansing systems could potentially negate our use of intestinal parasites to regulate psychotronically-active chemical levels in bloodstreams. They should not, however, affect those parasites that lodge themselves in the nervous system.

After the chill passed, I realized that eliminating parasites from the intestines is but a temporary measure- for every one twitching around a stool there are a thousand of its offspring in the warm, and murky depths of the large intestine just waiting to be born. Still, this issue may require further research for performance evaluation reasons. And then there's the conflict of interest issue should my agency take on any of these vendors as clients.

Yawning Dallas, Texas

Segmentation of populations is a very tricky task, especially when one’s paycheck comes from those who need these segments manipulated in ways that produce excellent consumers and maintain the status of the elites. Unfortunately, we are still stuck in the 90’s when it comes to developing firm strategies for controlling the various population segments and their interactions with each other. In the next ten years we will be able to segment based on DNA.

What? That’s impossible you say?

It’s all in how you treat your data. Whereas we’re still breaking records down into descriptions of race, health, activities, income, geographic location, number of children, etc., our records will soon consist of genetic codes. This will greatly streamline the process of determining which psychotronic codes to use with what doses of chemicals in the food, air, and water.

Dallas, Texas will be ground zero for this new testing. Stage 1 will consist of collecting random samples (RS1) of genetic material in approximately 30 different areas and suburbs in the central and nothern parts of the metroplex. Convenience store counter tops, post office pens (the kind they keep on a cable to keep you from stealing them), and church urinals will supply the data collectors with a sufficient variety of tissue samples. Each area will have its own psychotronic broadcast devices and agents will carefully administer psychotronically active chemicals into the environment based on what our software determines to be the best combinations. A simple before/after routine verifiable by our clients’ sales will determine whether we go to Stage 2 and collect more data, or if our current methods, though bulky, are superior. Stage 2 will require getting the licensing for more of the upgrades to the software that are necessary when dealing with genetic codes rather than personal records.

Yawning Dixieland

During my vacation I was offered employment by a colleague in a field- literally- that I used to dream about as a boy: Mount Magnolias. It is a beautiful plantation strewn across a thousand acres deep in the South. A symbol of Southern hospitality, beauty, and most importantly, sovereignty, its history is one of extreme manipulation of populations. The plantation owner felt I was uniquely qualified to oversee the slaves imported from Central America and Eastern Europe, and I must say he is correct.

Generally any plantation, and most farms that employ laborers for that matter, use the good-cop bad cop approach to keeping the slaves and house servants in line. The overseer treats them like farm equipment and flogs them mercilessly when they become uppity or lazy. As the overseer’s violence reaches a crescendo outside the slave’s quarters, the plantation owner rides down from the mansion on his white horse, snatches the cat-o-nine tails from the overseer’s hands, commands the house servants to attend to the bleeding slave, and orders the rest of the slaves back to work. This portrays the Master as the savior of the slaves and reinforces their loyalty to him, his family, and the plantation in general. The overseer, on the other hand, is feared and loathed, but respected for his particularly brutal methods. It is a match made in purgatory- that of plantation Master and Overseer. Master cannot exist without Overseer, nor can Overseer exist without the Master.

Cruel? I think not. Considering these days it is considered distatseful- unfashionable to say the least- to hire negroes to do such work, and in places like California the upper class treats Mexicans as a threat to social solidarity whilst dangling the dream of residence in front of them, I beleive the traditional manner of accomplishing agricultural tasks to be tried, true, and effective. After all, every man should suffer the occasional flogging to reveal areas in which he can develop his skills.

I always wanted to be a slave Overseer as a child, but my career has taken a different path. Unfortunately I am unable to accept this dream job as I am engaged in the activities of the agency that take place every August and September. These months see more movement of people from place to place: parents are doing back to school shopping for their children, college students are going off to school, summer graduates are looking for work, the elderly are dying of heat-related symptoms leaving gaps in various segments, and my job becomes a much greater challenge.

But there’s always employment during retirement. Secret agencies, as glamorous as one may believe them to be, don’t generally pay very well and usually have retirement plans equivalent to teachers. Meaning, I’ll need to do a little flogging when I turn 65.

Out of Orifice Response

As an administrator in a secret agency I find it very difficult to take time away from work to relax. Somehow I have. For now, I am officially out of the orifice.

Yawning Anus-Breaking News

My agency doesn't have much contact with Thailand- we focus our operations on the Thai populace in the United States. However My Old Pal Jerky has stirred up a great controversy which could very well lead us into another Southeast Asian war, the likes of which will make Persion Gulf 1 and 2 seem like Granadas or Panamás. The following timebomb was originally published in The Daily Dirt on July 11, 2002, and yesterday it went off.

Yer old pal Jerky has it on good authority that, in Thailand, you can pretty much do any evil thing your heart desires, for a price. Human organs, freshly carved out of greenhorn tourists, are routinely auctioned off to the highest bidder in open-air bazaars swarming with Arabs and Japanese Yakuza. Vaguely resentful, grabby-handed parents sell their blank-eyed virgin children for the price of a good cigar. You can dine on the flesh of any number of endangered animal species, then catch a live snuff show featuring elderly and crippled performers being tossed into aquarium tanks full of starving piranha fish by cruel, skinny men cleaver-chop haircuts. Considering all that, you'd think it would be damn near impossible for us comparatively unsophisticated Westerners to ruffle the ethical feathers of the implacable, seen-it-all citizenry of that steaming jungle fleshpot nation.

It didn't take Sherry Levin too long to figure out that such was definitely NOT the case. As manager of Saint Jack's Thai food restaurant in Philadelphia, it's part of Levin's job to place advertisements in the local papers. One day not too long ago, she decided to have some fun, designing an ad featuring a picture of Bhumibol Adulyadej, the King of Thailand, all decked out in modern urban hipster style-ee. Within days of the ad first running, Levin and Philadelphia's City Paper found themselves smack dab in the middle of an international incident that had the potential to permanently skew America's diplomatic relationship with one of the most strategically vital countries in South East Asia. Not TOO serious, right?!

This study in over-reaction started when Boonsom "Doofus" Watanapanee, deputy counsul general of the Royal Thai Consulate in New York, got a hold of a copy of the newspaper containing the ad. Needless to say, she was not amused, and immediately contacted City Paper, demanding that they apologize for running it, and insisting that they promise to never run it again. "I have worked for the Ministry for 25 years and no one can bear this," she told reporters who contacted her about the incident. "It's never happened before in this country. I know you can make jokes with the President, with Queen Elizabeth, but not with my King. This could threaten U.S.-Thai relations, of course. I guarantee it."

But how could an ad for a Thai food restaurant hurt U.S.-Thai relations, you ask? Well, for one thing, Watanapanee claims she could stop Thailand from issuing visas for U.S. citizens wishing to visit Thailand… thereby cutting them off from all that perverted bad stuff mentioned in the first paragraph of this story. "There will be bad trouble," if the paper doesn't apologize, she insists. "We will stop work and go straight to your office. We will stop business with America."

But Watanapanee couldn't possibly represent the mainstream views of Thailand's diplomatic community, could she? Surely she's just an overzealous functionary hoping to somehow prove her loyalty by raising more than the necessary amount of ruckus over what any sane individual can see is a complete and utter non-issue! Right?

EENNHH!!! Wrong. Just check out what Thai consul general Voravee Wirasamban wrote about the kafuffle: "At a time when America has all the interests to strengthen its cooperation with allies throughout the world in the fight against terrorism, a mockery of one of your best friends will do no service to your own country." And according to a report in City Paper, Thailand's deputy representative to the U.N., Kulkumut Singhara, personally called Saint Jack's restaurant three times, demanding to know: "why we did this. Why we made his hair like we did. Why we used an Adidas logo." Boy oh boy… them Thailanders sure can be persistent little fuckers when they're riled, can't they?

Well, persistence is one thing. Threats of violence - over something which, in this country, frankly isn't even debatable - is another thing entirely. That's why yer old pal Jerky was so taken aback when he read Mizz Watanapanee's opinion when asked whether or not this whole Saint Jack's advertisement flap could grow into something that could fairly be called "big trouble". She replied: "It is big trouble now. He is our god. It is not a small matter. If you think it is a small matter, then put the ad in again and you will see what happens."

As always happens in such cases, reading about this story got yer old pal Jerky's blood pressure up to a poppingly high level. So, to blow off some steam, I decided to write The King of Thailand, himself, Bhumibol Adulyadej, a letter:

Dear King Bhumibol;

What a stupid name you have. It sounds like the sound an elephant's ass makes just before it dies. Is that how your parents chose your name? Did your mother give birth to you on top of a dying, farting elephant?

But that is not why I am writing you. I am writing you today to inform you that here in America, we have something known as the First Ammendment. This First Ammendment allows us to say whatever the fuck we WANT to say, about whoever the fuck we want to say it. It also allows us to create satirical images of people, regardless of whether or not they were lucky enough to be born into a Royal Family, thus never having to do an honest day's work in their ridiculously luxurious lives.

So call off your dogs, King, or else I'll fire up the Photoshop and create an image of Queen Elizabeth fucking you up your miserable tight ass with a strap-on dildo while the Pope licks your dangling hairy nutsack and a giant lobster looks on, bemused. And do you know why would I do this? Because I fucking CAN, motherfucker!!!

God Bless America!
Yer old pal Jerky

And here is the King's response:

Yawning ASSimilation

Sometimes our clients request far more than what one would think could be delivered easily. For instance, psychological conversion. This was commonly known as brainwashing and today is really quite a simple process of tweaking psychotronic broadcasts and chemicals in the food, air, and water.

Social scientists and academia have been telling us for at least 50 years that what one of our clients refers to as “assimilation” takes at least three generations to accomplish. Millions of hours of research has produced thousands of theses and dissertations on integration and cultural assimilation that simply are not true. With the proper funding, my agency can assimilate a target or target audience in a matter of months. We can take any wild Negro, Mexican, or Jew and have them screaming for the blood of Arabs from a comfortable position on the couch in front of carefully-programmed television entertainment in a matter of weeks. It’s really quite simple.

"One aspect of making sure we have an immigration system that works, that's orderly and fair, is to actively reach out and help people assimilate into our country," Bush said in a speech at a local community college. "That means to learn the values and history and language of America."

Translated, this means “We have increased funding to psychotronic and mass-neurological mapping service providers to eliminate the untamed olive-skinned threats mooching a free ride.”

The president may have undermined that message somewhat while at the Juan Diego Center, as he joined in a class preparing students for their U.S. citizenship tests. Though the instructor addressed students in English, Bush mostly chose their native Spanish to greet and quiz them.

Though it may seem like double-sided politics as usual, possibly even hypocrisy, as consultants we purposely instructed the GOP deliver this contradiction through said public figure. And to what ends? It fogs the air and we see more people focusing on the contradictory nature of the message rather than the gears at work in the background, namely rapidly-changing social values and structures and the activities resulting from such changes.

A More Secure Yawning Anus

Good news at the Agency! One of our clients, a major security company, has been very pleased with our Katrina work and signed a 5-year contract with us. Our work not only funneled millions of tax dollars into their private accounts but unleashed a carefully-monitored crime wave in all major cities, namely Houston and St. Louis, for which local governments will need to increase the effectiveness of their police forces by- surprise, surprise- fattening up with privately-funded security.

Our methods for accomplishing this have been used for centuries, possibly millennia, and before Katrina were most recently used by Fidel Castro and his marielitos. I strongly suspect that our client had some dealings with Castro at the time and possibly even paid the Cuban government to unleash a wave of rape, drugs, and violence disguised as tired, sick, and poor refugees. At that time my agency was focused on fighting communism in ways that I do not feel comfortable discussing publicly, but that were not targeted at Castro or Cuba, as the Chinese threat was just coming to fruition at that time.

I think the signing of this contract calls for a celebration, as security companies are some of the most powerful elites. When armies cannot be secured through public means, though costly, private companies are always willing to provide services. And what better way to follow the mission statement of the agency than by facilitating those services that maintain the status of the elites?

Yawning Segmentation

Aside from sitting in my office and enjoying the smell of my own farts, I actually do get some work done as I administrate the various internal functions of a secret agency. Today I told the administrative associate to tell the housekeeping department to restock the toilet paper in the executive washroom. Yesterday I told her to order some more 10 gigabyte remote drive capsules. Monday I worked on some segmentation strategies.

Much like marketing and advertising firms, secret agencies frequently rely on profiling and segmentation to create the biggest bang for the buck. Generally when segmenting our population data we use a sequential threshold method, at the center of which is a composite model that satisfies the demands of all of our clients. From there we identify clusters of consumers and develop strategies for “bringing them to the light” or use their particular segment as leverage to bring others to “the light.”

As I have posted before, you do get a misfire here and there. They are fairly easy to round up and re-map through intense psychotronic exposure or neurosurgery if necessary because our software allows us to plot every single individual in a 3-dimensional map. Those we find out in left field have a simple ID number attached to contact information, and we can track them down within minutes. For the rest, it's a simple matter of coordinating psychotronic broadcasts with nutrition.

Back in the 50’s, segmentation was much more difficult, as we had to plot the data by hand on a large piece of graph paper. Human error was common, and the agency operated with an alpha level around .10- not good by today’s standards of .005. Necessity is the mother of invention, hence all the amazing tools and software at our disposal in this millennium.

Psychosurgery for the Yawning Misfire

Psychosurgery has always been one of those new fads that people believe to be on the rise in popularity and availability. As I have mentioned before, as a means of population control it is very inefficient because of the time, expertise, and work involved. However it works quite well for correcting the occasional misfire when no evidence exists to suggest the misfiring came from a psychotronic broadcast or a chemical the individual in question ingested. When we see muiltiple misfires in a specific area- especially after a change in the psychotronic code or chemical environment- we know that there is an error somewhere and correct it immediately. But sometimes individuals misfire for no apparent reason and have to be repaired.

Years ago the Ludivico Treatment was used on misfires, until neuromapping became popular and we could go directly into the brain to repair damages so that the individual could go back and become productive in his segment. The treatment is simple: we map the mind, run it through an advanced form of a common software whose name will go unmentioned at this time for copyright reasons, plant neuroregulatory receivers, sew up, and voila- a repaired misfire. It truly is a beautiful process to observe: we see a madman encrusted in his own filth and feces undergo a transformation and eventually become a specialized part of a social organ. Many doctors, lawyers, pharmacists, teachers, and dog groomers were once misfires that needed a simple bit of sociological nudging at the end of a scalpel. So too were many manual laborers, truck drivers, and unemployed exotic dancers. We place them in the segments of greatest need, and if unemployment is in need of the unemployed to start a political campaign, then we put them in the unemployed segment.

Useful as it is, psychosurgery works best as a tool when none other will suffice, and certainly not on a grander scale.

Yawning Gasolanus

Energy giants have always been some of our most dependable clients in terms of loyalty and payment of their bills. I can’t name these fellows by name, but many cheers to them for managing resources in a manner consistent with the vision and practice of my agency. America owes its high standard of living to this group scattered across 14 different companies- I 1) don’t see how large segments of the population can have a problem with increasing gas prices and, 2) have been charged with keeping the discontent to a minimum.

Americans in general have no moral ground to stand on when it comes to gasoline prices, as only a handful of people actually pump crude oil and refine it. By most people’s standards, the raw material and product belong to the people who produce it, and they may charge whatever they see fit to cover their expenses and make a living. The other side of the “prices” coin has an image of a cotton boll- the price of cotton is so low as to make it very difficult for the industry to be able to sustain itself. Americans should be very happy that this is not the case with gasoline.

Regardless, there are crybabies out there that don’t want to pay the price charged by the producers for gasoline. There are those who demand the government intervene with the economy so they might pay less for their transportation which they themselves chose with blatant disregard for factors beyond their control, to the detriment of hardworking producers.

These situations are not so easily-dampened by the use of psychotronics and chemicals in the food, air, and water. It is times like these that we really need the use of a public figure to either divert the population’s gaze to situations like Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea and Iran, or fog up the public’s vision. Our current strategy- a popular one during our Reagan Administration- is to set up “task forces” and “inquiries” into alleged misdoings. By the time these task forces actually come together we can disband them because the public has grown accustomed to whatever situation caused the initial complaint. People are very malleable like that- whatever status quo you place on them is initially not accepted, but later becomes the norm.

Shocker in The Yawning Anus

Attacks by government agents on innocent men, women and children in their homes within the United States by using implanted microchips and microwave guns is going on all over the country... Thousands of web sites have stories about ordinary people reporting the same activity. Fraudulent profiles are used to allow adding names of anybody to enemy combatant lists, making it lawful to launch unnecessary investigations using devices that destroy the immune system of those under surveillance.

It's a real shocker- there are a lot of wackos out there. The U.S. Government is not directly responsible for any of the allegations made by this particular group. The Bill Clinton years saw rampant government spending and fiscal mismanagement, the awarding of government contracts to Clinton’s cronies in the private sector, long-term military fiascos all over the world (Bosnia, for instance), not to mention the nightmare in Rwanda, and the exploitation of the American public’s fear of Muslims, setting a deadly precedent that continues to this day.

Shocking indeed, but accusing the U.S. Government of using microchips and microwave guns on the populace is not completely accurate. Aside from the fact that psychotronics are the preferred incentive, do I need to explain this again? Perhaps not, but I will take great pleasure in it.

The engine of the economy is consumption and the private sector has done a remarkable job of outsourcing its needs to – surprise, surprise- my agency among others. The marketing environment no longer consists of a vendor on the corner yelling “Consumer products! Get your consumer products right here!”

Sure there are “pull” strategies, but they are no longer as important to fueling the engine as the “push” which is a neurologically-embedded (hardwired) drive created from the interplay between psychotronic broadcasts and chemicals ingested from the food, air, and water. We have successfully established the need within different segments of the population to consume everything from pork rinds to debt consolidation services. More, a consumer in debt is much easier to guide to certain products and services than a rampant spender. Our larger contracts come from dollar stores and low-budget fast food, and we consistently deliver them consumers of all ages.

What? I’m deviating from the question at hand? Yes I am, but it’s only to give the reader a broader perspective of how civilized society truly operates. To the uninformed, I could see how this would be very shocking.

The Federal Government itself isn’t implanting microchips and manipulating people- they’re outsourcing these tasks to private agencies. A strong consumer produces a strong economy, which produces a popular government. What government in its right mind wouldn’t want that?

Some of the wilder conspiracy theory shockers go so far as to involve extraterrestrials in their half-witted explanations for the MO of those manipulating their thoughts and actions. I guess one of these cases isn't so much a shocker as a Spocker. Regardless, the truth is right here, bared for all. No need to randomly accuse everyone from tyhe government to aliens of manipulating people.

Yawning Labor Laws

Anyone that works inevitably has to deal with issues they would rather put off or not deal with at all. Some readers seem to think being an administrator in a secret agency- or a secret agent for that matter- is something glamorous and desirable. I’ll admit it’s got its moments, but for the most part, it’s just a job like any other. For the most part, all the commentors are wrong.

Back in the 70’s it was common for the administrators to get together in one of their offices and share cigars, a couple of drinks and make lewd comments about what they’d like to do to the inner labia of the secretaries. The 80s saw a crackdown on this type of thing, and yes, even secret agencies have to train their personnel in ways to avoid discrimination, sexual harassment, workplace violence, workplace safety etc. We even have to refer to our secretaries as “administrative associates” and all conversation about labia and clitoral hoods are off-limits in the office. Most of them are men these days anyway.

I spent 12 hours in classes on discrimination and workplace safety this week. It is required for my position, and I can receive some pretty serious reprimands for not complying with this policy. Obviously, there are things I have to know. For instance: what happens when OSHA stops by and decides that the chemicals we use to manipulate entire populations are not being stored properly?

Well, we get a fine from $50 to $50,000, depending in the severity of the violation. Even secret agencies have to follow the laws of the land. That’s not to say we can’t change them if we want to, but they’re certainly not something you can just zap away with a psychotronic broadcast. These things take years to accomplish.

Until then, we are required to post information on discrimination, worker’s compensation, workplace safety, minimum wage laws, sexual harassment, etc.- even store chemicals correctly.

Knowing this, I ask those commentors who believe secret agency work is glamorous: do you think it’s that glamorous if you have people getting on your back about not putting the posters up and storing mind altering chemicals correctly? Just as glamorous as warehouse work, I tell you.

The Early Yawning Anus Catches The Worm

Several commentors have insisted that I give an update on the psychotronic broadcasting parasite project, which I had promised to present this April. I am sorry to say I will not be doing any presentations on these animals at this time, as we are in a testing process, but I will give a brief report.

Some of you my colleagues may recall that:

One of the assistant directors and his team in the food management division of Yawning Anus- The Secret Agency has developed a parasite that emits a low grade radio wave. Drum fills aside, I guess you could call it a "fluke"- they were working on genetically engineering a brain parasite that horded chemicals from the food, released them at intervals to maintain a steady supply of psychotropics in the bloodstream, and fed on random protein particles floating around in the human brain. The research had amazing implications- we could cut our food management budget and just rely on the worms to do the chemistry work for us.

The 18th generation of the original 8th generation are functioning correctly with an alpha level of .10 (yes unacceptable, but a vast improvement) in our Morroccan test subjects. Genetically, the mestizo and those from Morroccan gene pools are similar enough that we plan to make the jump in subspecies. We have received permission from the Mexican government to release the eggs into the water supply in an isolated village in the Sierra Madre range in Mexico for testing. At this time, agents are preparing the chemical environment for the startup of this project by injecting animals and dusting crops with Pentroxyllate derrivatives.

The life process of these parasites is more or less the same as other parasites, with the exception that the adults are very territorial. It would be impossible for more than one adult to occupy a host simultaneously, as they tend to be repelled by chemical and psychotronic "odors" emitted by other adults.

The first step in this parasite's life is the egg. Eggs are laid in the host's brain and make their way to the bloodstream where they eventually end up in the rectum and are passed in feces. The eggs are picked up by touching the feces and preparing food, or through any variety of manners that allow the eggs to enter the human body. In areas of poor sanitation, spreading these worms will be much more easily accomplished.

Once the eggs enter the host body, they hatch. Generally the strongest young adult will survive and make its way to the area richest in oxygen and highest in blood flow- the brain. The rest tend to die of oxygen deprivation and become harmlessly calcified in the tissues.The surviving animal then feeds on random proteins in the brain and grows to a size of several centimeters, sending out probes to "dig in" and lodge itself in the brain in a manner that surgery with current medical technology would be fatal. From birth the maturity, the entire process takes approximately 3 months, and the adult begins to asexually produce eggs at about 6 months, spreading its spawn to other hosts.

In the photo, note the scores of probes that make this parasite a particularly difficult broadcast device to remove from the host. We are very enthusiastic about this new development, but have years of testing ahead of is. It is for this reason we will not have a Year of The Worm at least until 2010.

Yawning Annual Conference and Trade Show

Yes, even secret agencies participate in annual conferences. Loaded on Negazol, I made my way to the airport and set out for the annual conference. This year was quite a winner, and I’ll show you a few of the hits on display from the vendors that are invited every year to peddle their wares and negotiate contracts in between keynote speakers and different tracks for different operations in secret agencies.

The first lovely is another fine product from Zorin Industries, the leaders in sociological engineering technology. It is affectionately dubbed "The Thinking Engine" and is pretty much true to its name. It is the "Grand Cannon" of psychotronic devices, and pretty much "re-maps" the target human minds. I don't have time to get into the specifics of re-mapping, but lets just say it's a very complex process that takes years when unaided by technology. This tool does it in seconds, even without the aid of chemicals. At this time my agency has no such use for such a device, but it certainly is a beautiful machine, comparable to a howitzer at a gun show, or a souped up Nova at a low rider show of customized Hyundais and Kias.

Lexis-Sexis database software was another hit. This software operates psychotronic broadcast equipment for the express purpose of population control. My agency uses a similar software, but this particular brand is definitely the Rolls Royce of them all. It allows the user to load billions and billions of lines of data into it and manipulate characteristics like pheromone, testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone production. One could cause an entire city to collapse into a slithering slathering orgy that went on until the subjects died of lack of water, food, and sleep, or freeze the sex drive of an entire area so that the population dwindled down to nothing over the course of a generation or two. Powerful stuff. It's so user friendly a child could use it. (A child with several Ph.D.s in neurological and biochemical engineering and at least a Master's in marketing.)

Finally, Hydrodioxymethazide Pentroxyllate is making waves among our European counterparts. It is easily distributed in food and water supplies and soon to be an airborne chemical. It "lubricates" the alpha pathways in the human brain and makes them more susceptible to B2 Delta psychotronic broadcasts. The American approach has always been to use Carbomethazide Pentroxyllate derrivatives in the beta and delta pathways and avoid the alpha pathways with this particular chemical configuration altogether, but the European company testing it has made some very incredible progress that may be more efficient than good old fashioned American neurological engineering with an alpha level of .005. For us to adopt the use of this new take on an old game would require thousands of man hours working with our current data sets, but in the longrun we could save about 35% off our current Pentroxyllate expenditures- especially once it is made effective as an airborn agent.

Yawning Aldous

This time of year The Agency gets very busy. And then, to add to the plate, this type of thing comes out and you have to put everything aside to deal with a misfire. It tends to eat into population planning and scheduling.

But, she's about 75% correct. If only she knew what influence Aldous Huxley truly had on sociological develoment, his words would seem to transcend the theoretical and blatantly fall into the concrete. His many clever disguises concealed what actually became parts of the agency's HOP- handbook of operating procedure.

"It is perfectly possible for a man to be out of prison, and yet not free - to be under no physical constraint and yet to be a psychological captive, compelled to think, feel and act as the representatives of the national state, or of some private interest within the nation, wants him to think, feel and act. "The nature of psychological compulsion is such that those who act under constraint remain under the impression that they are acting on their own initiative. The victim of mind-manipulation does not know that he is a victim. To him the walls of his prison are invisible, and he believes himself to be free. That he is not free is apparent only to other people. His servitude is strictly objective."

Brave New World Revisited, Aldous Huxley, 1958

Wanted: By Yawning Anus

Secret agencies tend to be able to find anyone they wish in a matter of minutes, thanks to extensive and advanced methods of surveillance, not to mention microchip implants. This is nothing new, as microchips made their debut back in the 50’s and leaked out into the private sector for use in computers. A secret: microchips came before transistors, but were whisked away to better uses, like population manipulation. Newborns will almost always receive an implant before being hosed off and placed in their mothers’ arms. But I digress.

There are four individuals known by this agency to be a threat to the general order maintained by the agency itself in the next 10-20 years. As a result, this agency is offering a very large bounty for accurate descriptions of their profiles leading to their whereabouts. Yes, we are a highly advanced agency that can apprehend anyone very quickly, but these agents of disorder have demonstrated a very unique ability to evade authority, probably not of their own volition, but sheer luck. A profile will help us to ultimately achieve our goal of maintaining the status quo.

The talent of these deviants lies in their chameleonism- an ability to blend in with what their target audiences are demanding. The target audiences read their material, relate, move on, but still maintain in top-of-mind awareness what they have read. This stimulus-response does not work in the best interest of an agency that is paid to maintain the elite status of the elites and finance it with the labor of the lower class.

My agency will pay $1 million Blogshares dollars to any Blogshares account holder who can give us an accurate profile of any of the following deviants. But beware: they too can track down bounty hunters. Please leave your descriptions of these threats in the comments section, and if your descriptions are accurate, you will be the beneficiary of $1 million in blogshares or stock, pending further analysis of your status.

Name: Gabriel Zohlman
Location: Hell, Arakis
Violation: Blasphemy, evading natural disaster designed to silence him.
Hobbies: Unknown- possibly fine wine, moonlit nights, long walks on the beach, amphetamines, and domestic violence.

Name: KOM
Location: California
Violation: Failure to provide updates on Depeche Mode Cowboy’s whereabouts and do-abouts. KOM lost track of a particulrly disgusting deviant whilst under orders to report on said deviant.
Hobbies: None. A wife and children provide no time for hobbies.

Name: Jerk of All Trades
Location: Colorado
Violation: Removing implant from sinus cavity, establishing relationships with Plus-sized women pre-ordained for use in controlling other deviants, such as Zohlman.
Hobbies: Bachelorism, recto-digital stimulation, and analingus.

Name: Fatman
Location: Oz
Violation: None, but unaffected by psychotronic broadcasts originating in the U.S.
Hobbies: Alcoholism, collecting liver biopsies from other unaffecteds.

Again, I reiterate. My agency needs concrete profiles and descriptions of these individuals' behavior patterns to be able to take action. We will offer $1 million dollars in Blogshares or the equivalent in stock for solid descriptions.

Area 51 Yawning Anus

In the past, several visitors have left comments accusing me of being involved somehow with aliens or extraterrestrials. We allow such beliefs to persist in the population because as I have professed to excess, such beliefs occupy time, space, and effort that could be dedicated to things like undermining the elites or perhaps even interrupting distribution of chemicals and broadcasts.

However even I myself am not immune to disinformation from other agencies. During a recent meeting near Area 51 I was allowed the opportunity to view the bodies that have passed for years as “extraterrestrials.” My colleague with whom I was meeting explained that these were not weather balloons, extraterrestrials, nor crash test dummies, but experiments involving merging man with technology. Apparently these creatures do have human DNA but were somehow engineered to control experimental aircraft with a complex set of directive kinetic movements within an electromagnetic field. The experiment failed several times, most recently in Roswell, NM, and were discontinued. Some of them are still being kept alive for further research, but I was not allowed to speak with them. I do not even know if they are physically capable of speech, but they do seem to drink a good deal of beer.

As a cover-up expert, I left Nevada with the feeling that as much as I know about my profession, these Air Force guys have other information that could be harnessed by my agency for the greater good. These types of mysteries bother me no end and frequently keep me up at night. Just as I could never accept the “multiple gunmen” nor “lone gunmen theories theories (JFK was an elaborate suicide), I have trouble believing the Air Force has the know-how to merge man and machine neurokinetically.

Yawning Brainus

It never ceases to amaze me how otherwise intelligent scholars can throw their hands up bemoaning the complexities and mysteries of the human brain. It is because they do not fully grasp its simplicities. Therefore it is impossible for them to grasp the simplicities of manipulating entire societies. That is why they are scholars doing research while my agency is on the front lines of mind control. Actually, I prefer the term “neurosocioligcal engineering” to “mind control,” but “mind control” is a lot easier for some folks to understand.

Think of a human brain as a 3-dimensional matrix of electrochemical equations. Each equation is tied to all the others, implying changing the rate of a chemical reaction in one cell will ultimately impact all the cells to which it is connected, which will ultimately impact all the cells to which they are connected, which will, you guessed it, ultimately affect the entire organism or, in this case, matrix. One ripple of effect is what we generally refer to as a neurowave or a neurocycle.

Very simple.

I have addressed the issue to excess of how my agency goes about doing what it does (mixing psychotronic broadcasts, chemicals in the food, air, and water, and motivational public figures), but still several commentors have zoomed in on some old posts I did regarding actual electrical manipulation of synaptic activities. To make them happy and answer their question, I will say this: we generally do not invade the human mind with electronics or machinery. This was used in some areas for some purposes in the 1950s through 1988 or so. Quite frankly, this type of technology does not work well at this time in our technological development. It’s much more cost-effective to neurologically engineer populations using the aforementioned tools.

After all, can you imagine the work it would take to implant neurological regulation devices in 300 million people? It would take 1000 surgeons and their teams 300 years to accomplish this feat, assuming there were no deaths or new births. This is why our methods rely on other simplicities of the human brain to accomplish our ends.

Yawn The Magic Anus

As an administrator in a secret agency that controls large segments of society through psychotronic broadcasts, chemicals in the environment, and prefabricated public figures, I frequently have to put out disinformation to supplement the mix that helps the financial elite maintain such status. It’s not very difficult. One can peruse a few conspiracy-oriented websites, pull out key words, fabricate a story and a source, and throw it out to the pit bull conspiracy theorists, like Carole Smith.

“Politicians, scientists and neurologists, neuroscientists, physicists and the legal profession should, without further delay, demand public debate on the existence and deployment of psychotronic technology; and for the declassification of information about such devices which abuse helpless people, and threaten democratic freedom.”

Like we’re going to let that happen any time soon.

Get real Carole. Go watch some Stargate SG1. It’ll take your mind off things you don’t know enough about to discuss. For if you did know enough about psychotronic devices to discuss them, you would understand just as clearly as I do how important they are to maintaining order.

Now that this is clarified, and conspiracy theorists are debunked, I’d like to point out that several readers have left comments on this blog demanding some kind of evidence that psychotronics are indeed in use in all major and many minor U.S. cities. To that I say, “Baby steps.”

But to satisfy these people’s curiosity, I would like to draw your attention to the photo at right. This is a PG-445-A5WO832P, your garden variety psychotronic generator found under broadcast towers all over North America and Europe. Absolutely nothing special about this one.

Toys in The Yawning Anus

Though keys to maintaining the elites elite and the servant class in servitude, though pillars of the engine of consumerism running the economy and creating pockets of the highest standards of living ever known to mankind, though in almost full control of entire segments of human beings, secret agencies are not immune to some of the more rampant consumerism-induced scourges, namely telemarketing.

I received a call at HQ from a Spanish-speaking telemarketer asking with a distinct Chicano (as opposed to Mexican, Puerto Rican, or Argentinian) accent that I donate to a certain state’s department of public safety. In return, I would receive a sticker to put on the bumper of my car that shows I support that certain state’s department of public safety. I chose to answer with a snotty-yet-melodic Mexico City accent and told her that I have never paid $25 for a sticker before and won’t start now. More, I pay taxes to support the DPS (even secret agency administrators have to pay taxes) and her calling me- especially at work- was inappropriate on the part of the telemarketing call center.

As with all sales, there is always a rebuttal to an objection, which bought me a moment to dig through the closet in my office for an old piece of equipment used in the pre-cell phone days of the early 1990s. This piece of equipment emits a high-intensity psychotronic beam through fiberoptic lines to “reset” a person’s mind to whatever preprogrammed set of parameters we have impressed into it. In a sense, it is like defragmenting a hard drive, but different. We used them quite frequently for a while when we felt public figures were deviating from their programming. One simply calls their office under the guise of being a “superior” and gets the subject on the phone. With the push of a button, a beam is sent directly over the phone line into the subject’s ear and neutralizes any non-preprogrammed chemical reactions that might be taking place in the subject’s neural mass. The subject generally has a mild seizure and wakes up wondering what happened and how they came to be where they are. Confusion and nausea are common side effects as well.

Years ago one of the agents was eating pork skins around the HQ water cooler and made a joke about “frying” one’s brain with such a device. The device affectionately became known as “The Crackler,” and we still use it on occasion. Unfortunately, it does not work with cell phones or cordless phones, so its use is limited. But it works great on telemarketers.

Yawning and Anus in the Corner Pocket )+(

Or "On Earth As In Your Yawning Anus, AMEN."

How did you initially discover that the food, air, and water you take into your body contained mind-altering chemicals?

They interfered with the mind-altering chemicals I was already abusing.

What measures have you taken (or not taken) to shield yourself and/or your family from these chemicals that affect your mind and segment you?

I prefer to use the metric system wherein chemicals are involved. Otherwise, I refuse to listen to radio or watch network TV; I stay out of church, and have ceased shopping at Borders. I have, likewise, never viewed such known propaganda as Yellow Submarine or Leprechaun In The Hood. I’m still resisting the regressive subliminal suggestions imbedded by my accidental viewing of Neon Maniacs and Spookies. I was also once exposed to audio suggestions when subjected to Gene Loves Jezebel at a party. Thankfully, some counter-programming compact discs provided by the Norwegian government straightened me out.

Are you paranoid enough to believe that such agencies as one with an anus that yawns can control plants and animals beyond general market/population segments?

Given all the assholes in Congress, why should it surprise me? Meanwhile, I shall hope that government control and employment of the plant community is largely a myth; otherwise, I may have recently, unjustly and unknowingly, immolated and inhaled a number of covert operatives just this morning.

If you were to apply for a position as an administrator in a secret agency, what background to support the techniques you defend as legitimate options would you present?

I would present my willingness to disembowel a nun for a loaded foil and a cold Diet Coke. Truly, how many high-level government agents—Whitehouse operatives excluded—are willing to spy on Castro for a hooker and an 8-ball? Fewer than you’d think…

Anything else you’d like to say about the bowels and probing appendages of secret agencies?

Little known fact: Most venereal diseases are actually time-release death-mechanisms for covert agents. As many agents such as myself, who chose a Greek-speaking 1-900 over a career-spanning 401(k), are paid in sweaty dalliances and powder, it became necessary to "tag" them in an effort to make sure they did what they were being paid to do—and not just cornholing cokewhores on the government’s dime for nothing. (Thanks for nothing, JFK!). As such, the "viruses" (time-release mechanisms) are periodically passed on from the slopslot CIA spookhole to the employee suspected of wasting time. The antidote is only given at the end of the agent-in-question’s task. The effects of some of these diseases range from benign aggravations (such as a sudden appreciation for Mike Patton and Merzbow), to the sort of Magic Cancer that knocked out ol’ Jack Ruby.
Either way, many young men may find that they’ve been drafted prematurely. As such, should one become infected with extreme genital itching or deformation—or an appreciation for Merzbow—the doctor is the last place you need to go; they cannot help you. Instead, it is recommended that you high-tail it to the low-bid government building of your choice (FBI, CIA, FEMA, etc.) and display your identifying marks (i.e. infected scrotum) to the authorities. They will assign you immediately.

Indeed, the "Secret Agent Blues" are a watermark displaying the size and scope of the Covert Operations industry. And speaking of scope, I could really use some mouthwash right about now. That last girl tasted suspiciously like Game, Set, and Match.

Anything else?

Oh sure; check out my own site, THE AMEN CORNER. I update the thing out of sheer spite roughly twice a week, or so. I also set up a message board this week for those with EZBoard accounts and moments of their life that they won’t miss. And might I recommend jamming out the HAARP signals with audio warfare from my friends at Razorback? No? Oh, then I guess I won’t mention it.

)+(

Jerk of All Yawning Anus

Next on the agenda...Our old pal Jerk of All Trades has something to say about population manipulation, being a manipulee himself.

1. How did you initially discover that the food, air, and water you take into your body contained mind-altering chemicals?

I think the first time I realized this was when I was 10. I had just consumed 4 "Snowballs", you know the snack treat/edible breast implant, and I got a HUGE rush. I spoke with God......or maybe it was Lee Harvey Oswald.....I can't remember, but whoever it was went on & on about the evils of Plankton, and I wanted MORE. The next time I ate them with a large quantity of Sunny D, the resulting puckering of my face combined with the citric acid and whatever the hell is in Twinkies and Snowballs stuff gave me flashbacks to Nam and an over powering need to spank the teenage Annette Funicello (WITH the ears on man, she has to have the ears on!). Yes, I've known since then that food is how "they" keep you sedated. Not that I'm complaining.

2.What measures have you taken (or not taken) to shield yourself and/or your family from these chemicals that affect your mind and segment you?

You can't. The damned foil hat only screens some things and boosts the signal on other things (I'm not tellin). I mean sure, you can weld together 8 Tesla coils and a Theramin whilst hooking a car battery to your nipples, but is that REALLY goin to do anything other than get you hooked on something else? I don't think so. By the way the battery is hooked up FIRST in series. That's what I HEARD anyway.

3. Are you paranoid enough to believe that such agencies as one with an anus that yawns can control plants and animals beyond general market/population segments?

Sure, why not. I mean if that's what "They" want me to think. (Shhh....they might be listening.)

4. If you were to apply for a position as an administrator in a secret agency, what background to support the techniques you defend as legitimate options would you present?

I already do hold an admin position with "The Organization". What do you mean by "Legitimate" anyway? Who are ? WHO SENT YOU?!

5. Anything else you'd like to say about the bowels and probing appendages of secret agencies?

I wish they'd warm their appendages first. I think that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world that Leonardo DiCaprio can act. I believe that the children are our future cannibalistic dictators, and I believe that everything I just wrote has been censored, rewritten and finally reprogrammed into me so that I tell you EXACTLY what "they" want you to read. I also think that one day "they" will have had enough of "them", and "we'll" all HAVE to have pickles on our sandwiches. Thank you, and good night.

C'mon and Rock Me Yawning Anus...

Frequently commentors in this blog accuse myself and others of using paranoia-inducing drugs to create false realities that we swear up and down are true to life.

It’s a lot easier to accuse someone of being "on drugs" if they are saying something you don’t like to hear. That leads to my thesis that "Bloggers are narcissistic and trapped in their own worlds where they are the center of attention." All I have to say is, "What do you expect when the software tells me to manage a force that produces these segments and their more salient crusts?" Yes, these "crusts" are the more salient personalities that emerge from pre-designated segments. Doesn’t make sense? Then get a couple of degrees in marketing or some such other frivolous load of shit. Then you’ll have the general concept understood. But not the specifics- that will take years of study of biology, neurological engineering, and other areas that most people never learn how to even pronounce.
KOM is a salient character. Gabriel is a salient character in the tenderloin teenage boy market. And he’ll be one of the nastier predatory queers until he coughs up that guest post he promised.

If someone disagrees with the reality that my agency creates, by all means send your disagreement to jokoba@excite.com and I’ll publish it as a guest post. Even though democracy is based on equal voices, the reality is that the elites pay my agency to keep them elite and the underclass as such.

KOM Inside The Yawning Anus

Secret agency administration is tough work. You think it's easy being a fat guy that bosses people around? It's hard fucking work, especially when amphetamines and opioids legally prescribed by a secret agency physician are involved. Sometimes, a secret agency administrator needs a break. So he rips off Gabriel and does a "guest posting" binge.

First off is KOM. KOM is quite a guy and puts up with my secret agency administrator garbage in his comments. Let's see what our friend has to say.

How did you initially discover that the food, air, and water you take into your body contained mind-altering chemicals?

Honestly, I believe it was science class. Everything ingested makes it to the brain, and therefore, a priori, alters the chemistry. When did I realize that I was being fed mind-altering drugs against my will? Ironically enough (I love to throw the word 'ironic' around, though I rarely ever use it correctly - damn you Alanis), it was while ingesting mushrooms of a psychoactive variety. For the first time I realized how Mayan civilization controls our current situation, and how I am but a snake-head thingy in the hieroglyphics of their genius.

I also discovered that I really like bagels. Is that weird?

What measures have you taken (or not taken) to shield yourself and/or your family from these chemicals that affect your mind and segment you?

First and foremost, my kid's diapers are lined with lead. Gotta maintain the bloodline, no matter what Orwellian nightmare befalls the progeny. Other than that, I prefer high-sodium processed foods. One has to flush the thyroid as often as possible. Oh, and I wear tinfoil on my head when I read the bible.

I'm pretty sure booze helps, too.

Are you paranoid enough to believe that such agencies as one with an anus that yawns can control plants and animals beyond general market/population segments?

Believe? Yes. Paranoid? No. Live and let control is my philosophy. As long as it doesn't interfere with sweeps week, the Olympics or the Super Bowl, I think we're square.

And how can one deny the yawning influence on plants and animals, what with square watermelons and dogs that willingly wear clothes?

If you were to apply for a position as an administrator in a secret agency, what background to support the techniques you defend as legitimate options would you present?

I mentioned the mushrooms, right? How else would you explain that trees move?

Oh, and when I was a kid I used to whisper thoughts of Farrah Fawcett and Erin Grey to my sleeping friends, just to see if they would remember dreaming about them. I lost fewer subjects than you might have expected.

Anything else you’d like to say about the bowels and probing appendages of secret agencies?

Secret agencies have been around since the first two women met and gossiped.

"Adam?! Don't even get me started! Perhaps we should whisper something about sacrifice to Cain in his sleep?"

Sure, secret agencies have grown up and have become every '-ian' and '-istic' to every negativly viewed noun in English. But if my trust must lie between a non-corporal deity who abhors shellfish and butt-sex, and an organization that fabricates lies for simple amusement, I have only one question:

Tinfoil hats, or no?

-KOM

Remote Control Yawning Anus

I recently heard that proponents are beginning to make older versions of this technology available for consumer use. Then you have the standard fringe elements fearing for their freedom and lives, but they exist for a reason. Without throwing in a few equations when drugging the food and broadcasting psychotronics to create such segments, there is no solidarity throughout the rest of the society. We create these "paranoid types" to lessen the blow of reality and create an "us vs. them" relationship. Doesn't it feel good to point at the schizophrenic on the corner of 21st and Guadalupe or maybe somewhere in the Tenderloin and say "I'm glad WE'RE not like HIM!"

Yes it does. Enjoy these gifts from the Yawning Anus that create unity amongst yourselves.

Guest Posts in the Yawning Anus

I'm still waiting for some thick veined guest posts in my Yawning Anus. If you have what it takes, simply write it up and send it. If not, well, you can just go drink yourself into a mind-controlled stupor and finger fuck your wife because you can't get it up for all the vodka. I have an equation that makes people like you using chemicals in the food, air, and water reacting to psychotronic broadcasts.

Decline of Yawning Anus Civilization Part 1

I have professed to excess that the liberalism infecting the Bush Administration will be the downfall of America. My agency will never hire former drug users (except the occasional LSD user.) In this article you can see that the liberalism the Bush family has brought to the forefront of American culture is beginning to degrade the integrity of other agencies.

I find this despicable, especially since addicts and recreational users are important segments in our equations and worldview upon which we base very complex mathematical formulae for ensuring that the elites remain elite and the servant class continues to serve.

Yawning Anus Hospitality

In the recent footsteps of Gabriel screaming with the voices of others at the top of his hurricane-displaced lungs on the Amen Corner, this secret agency administrator feels it's time to abandon his tastes for Pat Green, biscuits and gravy, and Exodus for a few posts and allow others to post their stances on this manipulation of mind they are experiencing. But not until Gabriel is done. Can't steal thunder- it's like plagerism or unwanted analingus.

Zapato In The Yawning Anus

Many of the commentors on this site have expressed an interest in the true relationship between government secrecy and global warming. Not to mention weather manipulation for the benefit of investors. In reference to climate change, however, I will refer you to my "shoe-in" reference Zapato Productions for the answers to these and more questions. You may think it sounds hokey on the surface, but sometimes it's much easier to take a cartoonish approach to the reality of manipulating various population segments. It's an approach that works well to communicating strategies to all levels of a secret agency. Here it is:

Professor Polar Bear lives just north of Barro, Alaska. A rather bookish fellow, he learned all he could about the environment from an Eskimo tribe (instead of trying to eat them). The Professor saw a troubling trend:
Recently Professor Polar Bear has become concerned about melting ice and the warming environment. Professor Polar Bear brought this warming problem to the attention of some new friends he met while feeding one day.

(Feeding on whom, one wonders...) These new friends were members of the US Atmospheric Radiation Measurement (ARM) Program, for whom the Professor now works as an expert on global warming, weather, radiation, and pointing at things. There he joins fellow GPMs Teacher Turtle and PI Prairie Dog in the ARM Study Hall. (In introducing PI Prairie Dog, a "principal investigator for the ARM Program", the site oddly notes that members of his species were once found living in a colony the size of Belgium.)

So what exactly does ARM do? They claim they work under the DOE monitoring the atmosphere to study global climate changes using such sinister looking equipment as this:

ARM is also involved in the study of aerosols and their effects on the atmosphere. However they aren't just conducting passive measurements. As uncovered by special ops agents of the Georgia Militia, ARM is working with the DOE's Atmospheric Science Program to use unmanned aerospace vehicles to study the nucleating properties of aerosol sprays. In other words: They are creating chemtrails.

Much like a polar bear in nerd's clothing, ARM's seemingly innocent studies are actually a cover for potential Eskimo-endangering destruction. Unfortunately, their activities raise more questions than we have answers for at this time: Could it be that they are conducting an advanced black helicopter breeding program on the North Slope of Alaska? Why are spruce beetles mysteriously drawn to the area? Are they in league with HAARP to control the weather? And what was the real reason that US Senators John McCain and Hillary Rodham Clinton visited Barrow, Alaska last month for a helicopter ride?

Method Acting and Yawning Anus

I got this from KOM:

You are a Social Conservative (10% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (91% permissive) You are best described as a: Fascist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

Corn-Yawning Anus-Husker

So you people think I'm from Nebraska? Maybe I'm a card-carrying member of the American Cornhole ASSociation, but I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not from Nebraska. But please take that Poll in the Yawning Anus and twist it around. In what city have I never taken a mean old dump?

Here I Am...Rock You Like A Yawning Anus

What luck we've had this hurricane season! As mandated by our contracts with conservative Powers That Be, we've killed off or displaced all the colored folks from Louisianna with our Aftermath influences. Now, we'll kill off or displace the Florida and Texas homosexuals with this latest hurricane Aftermath influences.

We have effectively crippled FEMA so that the psychotronics and withdrawal from the chemicals in the food can do the rest. The marginalized will become further-marginalized and spread the disease of poverty to other cities, the working class will find other employment that feeds the luxurious lifestyles of the elites, and the elites will simply lose another house here and there, as they have grown accustomed to. One house or property is a drop in the barrel for my employers. I must focus on keeping the slave class employed and feeding the interests and incomes of the elites.

The only pain in the ass I have to deal with is food distribution and psychotronic broadcasts in the affected areas. And believe me- cleaning up the population after a natural disaster truly is a pain in the ass, especially when Texas is housing the refugees from the last natural disaster. Now I have to leave home and manage a team of agents whilst they bring public figures- the Pat Robertsons of the world- to the forefront, while getting the psychotronics and the food and water influences reactivated.

I mean shit, I've got population manipulation contracts to fulfill!

The Yawning Anus of the Beast

Any American who doesn't know that their identity is in thousands of databases has been living under a rock all their life. There are segments out there- usually smokers of the devil weed "marihuana" who feel threatened by this fact. And when plans like these are announced, "The Fear" takes over and they begin twitching like ants sizzling under a child's magnifying glass.

Only a very small piece of the Psychotronic Code that passes through all brains everyday works to alleviate these types of tension by allowing the person to accept the truth. However, we have found it is much simpler to tell people how they are being tracked through the mass media than keep it a secret. The result in 99.5% of the population says "Oh, I'm being tracked. OK, fine with me." I believe that number is statistically significant in both business and academia, but it falls slightly short of the significance demanded by secret agencies that control populations and thought. Hence, the added Psychotronic Code.

Hey Gabriel, KOM, et al- know what? You're all in your local Toyota dealers' databases. Is it time to stock up on guns and water and Run to The Hills?

Probably not. It's no news to you because you haven't been living under a rock. And any anxiety you may feel about that snaggletoothed bleary-eyed fast talking car salesman knowing your consumption patterns is whisked away by a soothing encoded signal passing through your brain and activating chemicals you picked up from some nachos.

A Big Warm Yawning Anus Welcome...

...to visitors directed by My Old Pal Jerky from the Daily Dirt. If you didn't come from there, check 'em out. I just hope the Director doesn't catch me reading The Dirt at work!

For those of you whose employers would frown upon some of the "disturbing new banner ads" in the regular 'Dirt, there is always the Dirt Files which is safe, squeaky clean fun for the "hole" family.

All The Yawning Anus in China

To the right you will see a photo of one of the prototype handheld psychotronic devices. They were used in the days before we fully understood microwave radiation. These days, rarely- if ever- are they used. If they were to be used, the more likely places to use them would be far away from broadcast towers, perhaps in the Sahara desert, or maybe parts of Antarctica. Even then, it would take several sustained blasts to affect a persons though processes enough to alter their behavior. Years ago the Chinese picked these up and took their use further than any other civilized society that values maintaining the status of the elites while increasing the population of the elite-serving lower classes.

The general design of handheld psychotronic devices really hasn't changed that much in the past 70 years. They usually look like some sort of a gun, possibly a child's toy laser pistol. This photo shows a modern Chinese unit. Our Chinese sister agency uses these units under the assumption that "More is better." Because our distribution of chemicals in the food and water is far superior to Chinese methods, we are able to accomplish our objectives using towers emitting encoded broadcasts that react with these dietary chemicals to control neural pathways. On the other hand, the Chinese follow a different strategy to maintain stability. They tend to over-psychotrolicize about 1% of their population, usually key public figures. These people receive about 20-30 times as many broadcast waves emitted directly into their brain than the average U.S. citizen. By doing this they combine public figures use with their psychotronics into one department, whereas we keep them separated and use them for differnt purposes to achieve different ends.

To the left is another example of Chinese ingenuity. What we refer to as a police-issue PRX-C3RR9HH (A popular police riot control tool whose bark is worse than its bite) the Chinese refer to as Liao Zheng, which can mean anything from "swollen penis" to "cooked sacrificial penis," depending on your translation (and whether I have translated it correctly).

Because the Chinese operate off this strategy, there is a greater tendency for riots to occur. The distribution of the proper broadcasts, chemicals, and influences in China is irregular at best, leading to frequent mobs looting and attacking officers of the law. However, nobody can stop a riot like the Chinese. Using thie device pictured at right, they stop them on a daily basis. This device hovers over crowds running rampant and broadcasts some extremely strong waves that usually shut down various parts of the perpetrators' brains, making a police clean-up easy and affordable. The unconscious rioters are then loaded into the craft and whisked away for some reprogramming before being returned to family and friends. As one can see from looking at the detailed map of the machine, it is quite large. The psychotronics are mounted in the larger, bulbous end and concentrated using high-density reflective ceramics. It is said that these generate a good deal of heat and not all the rioters survive the intensity of the psychotronic blast dealt by this awesome technology.

Federal Emergency Management Yawning Anus

Sometimes projects get out of control and have to be eliminated like Frankenstein’s monster. Call secret agencies “opportunists” if you will, but by suppressing FEMA activity we put the (Mardi) Gras in Coup de Gras. When the population of an infestation of inferiors gets to a certain critical mass, it boils over and creates hazardous social conditions that threaten the elites. And these boilovers cost money to fix and whip the workers back in to shape.

New Orleans has been a hotbed of poverty and frustration with “The Man” for quite a while now and it was time to trim the hedges a little bit.

“What about the psychotronics and the chemicals in the food? Are they not working in Lousianna?” you ask. Yes and no. Yes they are working, but some minds are less prone to influence than others. Some would say that statistically significant numbers of the segments of the population have strong minds and are independent thinkers. I subscribe to the theory of “You can’t suck what you can’t see” and it works. And the results of the policy that springs forth from that theory boast the alpha level to prove it.

We could not have prayed for anything more effective than Hurricane Katrina to pop that blister of dissent. Now these people are begging for work and loaves of bread rather than accusing the elites of creating their former situation which only seemed like marginalization until they found true marginalization in the aftermath of a hurricane.

By suppressing decisive FEMA action we also were able to get in and get some of the psychotronic towers broadcasting again. The servers are up, the data is downloaded from our network, and the devices are now sending out the same code as before. Predictably we will see new behavior patterns emerging from the whole as different segments have been eliminated, never to return to the same proportions to the rest of the population. I think we have this one under control.

I saw an X-ray of a Yawning Anus Passing Gas

In the tradition of KOM and Jerk of All Trades, I give you some of the finer keywords that people use to find secret agency blogs. Note: these are actually code words commonly found in the industry. They by no means can be taken at face value- these people purposely used these code words on the outdated Internet to find any available information on forces that maintain the power of elites while marginalizing and dividing the rest. Believe me, these Googlers know exactly what they're doing, and are simply researching under a guise of immaturity and unrelenting nastiness.

anus doctor (MSN)1
CUMONMYTITS.COM (AOL)1
Farting Anus of Girls (Ask Jeeves)1
hostage beheadings (MSN)1
iraq beheadings videos (MSN)1
koochie taster (Yahoo)1
ogreish.com (Ask Jeeves)1
research "work-related blogs" (Google)1
salad tossing, anus (MSN)1
"her rectum" (Google)

Caste and Crew of the Yawning Anus

Some commenters continue to question the fact that there are self-aware forces (commonly known as "secret agencies") maintaining the elites' statuses while keeping the marginalized-to-middle class in their lower caste-like places. The concept is dismissed as paraoid theory or conspiracy nut mumbo jumbo. I did not sign off on this one, but one of our other Associate Directors did. Such authorization does not require my signature, but it does require at least three levels. Usually you'll see an agent's scrawl on the form, below it an assistant director's name, and at the bottom, the name of an associate director. Another fine job they did, but unfortunately, someone noticed. We have ways of dealing with people who notice things.

This LSD sucks. Where the fuck did Jesus go? He was here last week! Oh well, I'm too fucking old to be eating this shit anyways.

Seriously Sweet Jesus- where'd you go? Wait- fuck- I'm about to publish this shit to the Internet. Maybe I can drink all night and fall back on some 80's roots and haze some pledges into taking me and the wife to the all-nite breakfast buffet. But right after the emmission from Jupiter shit of 2001. Yessir, yessir. Just watch me delete this shit in the mañana. Yep. Can't have a secret agency administrator weirding out in 9 different directions in public nor Chicago nor Kansas City (MO.) nor that shithole OKC nor Cedar Rapids- that would suck. But lemme tell you: "Houston, what the fuck you tellin' us to bang up that sweet sweet Houston meth fors when wes a bunch of strapping young lads up here in space who wants to fuck each others in the first place?" That's all those Ground Zero Mission Control motherfuckers think about- hearing asstronauts fuck it up real hardcore and nasty-like over the radios. Unnngh! Ooohgg! Slippery wet cock slithering and slathering about up here's in space. Yessir, that's what that Houston new money likes...fags and shit. I seen 'em. Jess waiting to get some thick Houston cock up'n a tenderloin young New Orleans Refugee. That sweet sweet Katrina's bringing a rainshower of young boys down on that predatory Texas Prick, and the cum's gonna fly.

Category 5 Yawning Anus

Psychotronics can do some amazing things when combined with chemicals in the food, air, and water, but they cannot work miracles. A group of energy companies with whom we have contracts has been seizing the day for the past year and running gas prices up. Psychotronics can’t contain ALL the anger people are feeling, nor can the increased quantities of chemicals in the environment, but Hurricane Katrina has given us an excellent diversionary scapegoat and allowed us to continue manipulating populations in ways that allow for gouging by corporations. You have less of a problem paying $3 a gallon when you can say it’s the hurricane’s fault.

As I mentioned before, we will be activating our public figures to get the marginalized segments actively blaming homosexuals and blacks for “God’s Wrath” in New Orleans. As long as the masses are barking up the wrong tree, my benefactors can continue to gouge the lower and middle classes, keeping them weak. Thus, the elites remain elites, and the middle and lower classes remain divided.

The Yawning Anus-Hundred Club

Look up there at that map on my title image and you’ll see an area of devastation and destruction. It will take at least a month to get the psychotronics up and running again. See what happens when the psychotronic code broadcasts stop? People begin looting. It is precisely for this reason that my agency exists- to eliminate the possibility of social disorder. Without psychotronic broadcasts coordinated and fine-tuned, you end up with the same chaos you saw after Atta, et al took out a broadcast tower in the World Trade Center, the same chaos when we had those problems in L.A. years ago. Unfortunately, not even my agency can stop millions of gallons of Lake Pontchartrain from moving south to its rightful home in the Gulf.

Now, it's a matter of days before we have our televangelists praising Jesus for washing away those sinners. The weaker minded segments of the population- located mostly in The South- must be consoled somehow. By pointing to this and saying "Look what God did to these sodomites and sinners" we can keep the peace despite downed psychotronic towers.

Indeed, in times like these, public figures come in handy.

The Electric Yawning Anus Acid Test

Even secret agency administrators take LSD now and again. It's not the Way of the Cowboy, but The Way of The Midwest.

The Yawning Anus in the Rye

I find it disturbing when people make light of legitimate means of saving people from themselves. We spend entire careers and billions to keep the forces of nature from tearing apart civilization. It's just not funny.

The grass is Greener on The Yawning Anus

Commentors keep asking, “How can I too become an administrator in a secret agency that gets fat and sits around telling people what to do?” Well, let me explore this question for a moment.

Hard work and perseverance?

Let’s face it- secret agencies and organizations aren’t exactly mom and pop businesses. You won’t find applications at your local university’s career fair, and we don’t advertise openings in the newspaper or church bulletin. Most of our agents come from other secret agencies, the military, or have multiple advanced degrees in things like neurological engineering, biochemistry, medicine, electrical engineering, and databases. Our stronger agents have a good, clear conceptualization of both the physical world and the biological world, but our administrators tend to come from team and leadership backgrounds.

So my answer? Know that’s what you want to do before you establish an educational or other career that leads into it. I have professed almost weekly that being a secret agency administrator isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s a very stressful job and you have to keep on top of the cutting edge of medicine and technology or you’ll drown. I have over 120 subscriptions to various science and technology academic journals, and I skim them all. But it still isn’t enough. Sometimes I will go on reading binges for 48-72 hours just to get it all done before developing and implementing sound policy based in the most current of facts.
So if you really want to be a secret agency administrator, make sure you’re prepared to spend all your time playing catch up. You will never feel like you’re on top of everything- though you may be light years ahead of the general populace- when you’re running a secret agency from behind a desk.

An Apple A Day Keeps The Yawning Anus Away

We have not actually developed miniturization technology. Yes, we may be using technology the average man cannot even imagine to keep him in check and from imagining such technology (invisibility for instance), but shrinking down people or objects with a shrink ray is the stuff of science fiction and Dr. Shrinker. Even other agencies, whose technology can frequently dazzle those of is in the industry- to my knowledge- haven't been able to compress electron orbits, therefore shrinking the atom, which shrinks the molecule, which...so on and so forth on up the complexity scale. So what's this guy trying to tell us?

Because the tiny invisible personnel can secretly enter a victim's anus to a short distance (in rectum) then induce kidney dysfunction to the victim. Since the tiny invisible personnel frequently enter/exit the victim's anus, sometimes this will cause the victim's anus to itch. Furthermore, the tiny invisible personnel who enter a victim's anus/rectum can carry a sharp knife to cut the target's skin around the target's anus to cause bleeding. Such kind of injury will be committed by invisible personnel when the target sits on the toilet to excrete feces. The invisible personnel will cut the victim's anus just as his feces are coming out; this tactic could cause the victim to mistakenly believe that the bleeding is caused by hemorrhoids. Thus, if one doesn't have hemorrhoids but suddenly cause bleeding from his anus, he must be a victim of invisible personnel.

Invisibility, yes we have, shrink rays, no. As technology makes even more leaps and bounds in the coming millenium, perhaps science will develop shrink rays. Until then, we will continue to use chemicals in the food, air, and water with psychotronic broadcasts to keep the elites elite, and the workers working. We're kind of trapped in reality here, but we can always dream- fantasize even- of shrinking ourselves down and entering a target through the anus.

The Genie's Hard of Hearing (I never wished for a 12 inch Yawning Anus.)

What a whacko...

After a volley from a chronal gun, the human aura is torn to pieces, and the victim's bioenergy defense is gone. Should the energy circle around an individual's head (halo or nimbus) be hit, the mental abilities of the targeted person will be affected. Such weapon's do not kill immediately, but do maim the psyche. Prolonged exposure to bullets from such weapons systems can affect the urinary system, sexual organs, the cranial brain, and the spinal cord. Leukemia and malignant brain tumors are the result...

And people try to pass this crap off as conspiracy fact. Psychotronics are waves that fall within a certain range of frequency- there's no such thing as a "psychotronic bullet." Using some kind of gun-like device to transmit a code at a certain frequency would have the same effect as a psychotronic broadcast tower (we have indeed used handheld pychotronic devices to broadcast before, but only in areas with weak signals from broadcast towers.)

Como Yawning Anus por Chocolate

Romance was one of the original tools developed in millenia past to manipulate populations. In the Neolithic age, humans were far more rational beings than what they are today. It was a golden age for the species.

We still use concepts of romance and love to aggregate people into manageable groups, but with advances in psychotronics and neurochemistry, we don't really need to, as we can micromanage individuals today. For the first half of the 20th century, however, romance and love were promoted in various media to create an artifical standard to which all should assimilate or suffer the consequences of being an outcast or a particpant in homosexual practices. The effect created large numbers of small, stable nuclear families, effectively eliminating a lot of the problems we were having dealing with clan-like and tribal mating patterns running rampant in the U.S.


Perhaps I should explain this. My grandmother was the youngest of 9 children in a family of 12 living in two households on the same property. Due to advances in neuromanipulation and psychotronic broadcast in the 1920s, my family was a 4-member nuclear family- among millions. For years this was the norm until the 70's-and especially the 80's- when advances in the basic mathematics behind what we were doing(when coupled with new technology), introduced the concept of micromanaging minds. To this day it is standard operating procedure, however both nuclear and tribal clan templates have their uses, especially amongst the voting bloc we have created to satisfy one of our current contracts.

Yawning Anus Intelligently Designs

There are two types of engineers: those who understand biomechanics, and those who understand mechanics, electronics, etc. Since my agency operates off the assumption that a human being has no soul, we use a different population manipulation paradigm than other agencies. And it works quite well. Any hot "soul" activity is easily quenched with a televangelist or other "religious" figure. Yep, the squeaky Yawning Anus gets the grease.

Kom-a Kom-a Kom-a Kom-a Kom-a Chameleon has an issue with Intelligent Design. It's very clear that he's not getting the proper chemicals in his food that react with psychotronic broadcasts to produce a perceived "spirituality." That is indeed part of the California strategy, but I am personally taking it upon myself to convince him of its virtue, just to see if it's possible in a state that has banned some psychoactive food additives. Stay tuned to his blog to see if I accomplish this task.

There is another issue I need to address. Commenters keep asking "How do you know the patterns and makeup of the brains you influence with psychotronics and additives in the food, water, and air?" It's probably time to explain that.

All states have a law requiring that all babies have an MRI between birth and delivery to the mother's arms. We have developed a technology that makes this quick and painless. You know that thermometer thing they stick in your ear and pull the trigger when you go to the doctor? We have developed one that gives us a full brainscan in an electronic format that we can upload directly into our software. All delivery rooms are equipped with at least one.

Every time a baby is born, magnetic resonance imaging produces a matrix of data that is transmitted from the handheld device to a satellite and immediately broadcast to a central database, from whence the data is uploaded into our software. The entire process takes about 10 seconds from pull of the trigger to upload.

Statistics come into play after that, as we operate off strong data with an alpha level around .05, when planning and implementing population control strategies. Yeah, some of these data move around, but they are replaced by other data sets.

Clear as day.

Yawning Anus Will Rock You All Night Long

Very rarely do I speak about event planners. They are the lowlives of a secret agency. They plan an event that revolves around the credibility of a public figure, which is a more difficult task to perform.

Fact is, another secret agency planned the entire Iraq debacle. What pisses me off is when these little shits plan something that goes beyond its purpose and starts stepping on the toes of other secret agencies. Meaning, some little whippersnappers fired up a war in Iraq which has had some serious effects on our- rather, the people in- our databases. And this just creates nasty effects on years of planning- when you've invested millions in manipulation of populations to satisfy the requirements of contracts with various political parties and other entities- all of a sudden you have to plan around what are obviously new exterior contracts with your own clients. Never again will I deal with Republicans. If they want something, they should state it up front and show me their plan. I don't deal well with surprises, and neither do the people I manipulate with psychotronics and drugs when their own children are being siphoned off to get blown up in car bombs half a world away.

If you want a contract with Yawning Anus to benefit your own greedy purposes, tell me your five year plan in advance and we will accomodate you. But don't expect me to change my own 5-year plan to deal with surprises you dole out in the meantime. We have a contract, remember? State it all up front.

The Id, The Ego, and The Yawning Anus

Superegos are not something people come by naturally. Rather, they are a concoction of mind-altering chemicals in the food, air, and water, psychotronic broadcasts, and public figure influence via media. It is exactly this concoction that keeps the majority of the United States from injecting drugs, screwing prostitutes, and other unchristian activities. Somtimes the alpha levels will waver a little, like a blade of grass in a gentle breeze, but 99.95% of people exhibit successfully programmed behaviors courtesy of my agency.

These success rates are the reason I have been appointed to present our work on psychotronic broadcasting parasites at the next convention. I knew it was a breakthrough that would destroy my career in building public figures from zygotes and pushing them into positions to manipulate the masses, but I have to say it is very flattering that next April I will be divulging work from my facility and sharing it with other similar population control attendees.

Maybe it's time to give up my career goals and chase down the breakthrough from its mass dissemination to its initiation and utility as a staple of maintaining order.

At this point, I don't know whether to drink in celebration, or drink in mourning for the death of a career I always wanted. Either way, I'm going to drink because it's Friday.

I Chose the Yawning Anus Less-Travelled

Secret agents travel all the time- anyone who's ever seen a James Bond movie knows that. When they get old, they become administrators and don't travel as much. But on occasion, everything from market forces to agent incompetence draws us out of the bowels of the facilities and into the world we manipulate. Sometimes it's refreshing, other times it's just a pain in the ass.

In the past two weeks I have checked up on sites in Chicago, Des Moines, St. Louis, Kansas City, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and Brownsville, Texas. We got a little rain in Brownsville, but nothing to worry about in the grander scheme of our plans to maintain order within society.

Travel is exhausting, but sometimes it's good to let the folks running the sites know that management is paying attention, and they'd better not fuck anything up. It's also good to check out the local populace to see what people know or think they know. Like this guy, for instance. My predecessors never bothered to clean up after themselves on that one for a reason: it kept people from inquiring into the larger reality. Sometimes you need a plant on a grassy knoll to draw attention away from a leaking sewer.

Regardless, the agency seems to be in good shape, minus a little bit of rust on some of our offshore equipment in the Gulf. A little paint will cover that up.

The Squeaky Yawning Anus Gets The Grease

There's a lot of shit you learn from administrating resources and personnel in a secret agency. Like the secret recipe for bathtub Coke, The Colonel's secret blend, how Blogger makes money, Thomas Magnum's middle name, and the brand of oil they use to keep the engines in Airwolf and other black helicopters from seizing up. But these are things you simply can't tell people. It could lead to problems further down the line in the never-ending journey to manipulate populations to keep the elites in their place, fed by billions of workers.

1st Down and Ten at the Yawning Anus

For those of you who think life in a secret agency is high-paying and glamorous, think again. I make about the same amount of money as the other associate directors, and since we've all been involved with the agency for about the same amount of time, we all get about the same amount of vacation time, which is payable when we retire if we don't take it. The hours accrue yes, but only so many will roll over into the following fiscal year. So it is possible to lose that time.

I get paid about $10-$15K more per year than the assistant directors, and about $20K per year more than agents.

Tonight, I found myself buying black Rit dye ($2) to dye 4 pairs of white socks ($3) to save money on buying 5 pairs of black socks ($7). White socks with a $75 dollar suit (which I lucked across at a thrift store) looks like shit. My profession demands that I wear black socks, regardless my preferences. You don't want to meet with the CEO of the communications industry (What? Which CEO you ask? You think there are a bunch of them? Wrong!) wearing white Hanes tube socks. Your credibility will shoot straight down the toilet!

Jeez...if I were in the private sector, I'd be raking it in and working far fewer hours. But like I've said, working for a secret agency can be like joining the priesthood, only different because we have the unique ability to make our indiscretions- both occasional and habitual- disappear. If a man sodomizes a hooker in the forest and nobody is around to hear it- or remember hearing it- does it make a sound?

The correct answer is no.

People tend to think that because I have such huge amounts of control over the psychotronics, public figures, and distribution of psychotronic-catalyst chemicals in the food and water, that I've got to be a very wealthy man. Fact is, I've been looking at job opportunities in municipal sanitation departments, local used car dealerships, and an accounting position in a national corn dog chain. Six Flags needed an operations manager as well, but their benefits weren't as good as the others.

Let's face it- secret agency administration just doesn't pay that well. They give you a huge amount of responsibility and power, but in the end you're having to spend $5 to dye your socks black so you don't have to spend $7 on black socks.

Yawning Anus on the Mic Telling Cocktails

Sometimes, being an administrator in a secret semi-governmental agency aimed at manipulating large populations of people can be time consuming. Let's face it-when you spend your time planning the news headlines and events behind them 3-5 years in advance of when you actually need them, you tend to know current events quite well.

I knew about the Terri Schiavo project back in the 80s. One of my colleagues was behind that one. Knowing the U.S. would need a distraction from the war in Iraq (which was planned even before that), that particular agency set up the variables and produced a woman in a persistent vegitative state. The circumstances were timed so that the controversy surrounding pulling out her feeding tube would coincide with increased terrorist activities. Michael Jackson has been a project for many years. His alleged sexual indiscretions with children and status as a pop star serve quite well to draw attention away from people like Horsley while satisfying that very real public desire to see publicized sexual scandal whilst saying "Thank God and my overbearing wife it wasn't me this time!"

Other times, administrating a secret agency makes you feel like you've been living under a rock all your life. I mean shit- why the hell wasn't I aware of this? The implications for psychotronic population maintenance- even psychotronic weapons- is astounding. Indeed I better do some further research into this technology (meaning steal it- the proper channels can take years.)

It's The Yawning Anus Ruggish Bone

Data uploads into our software can be a pain in the ass. Imagine approximately 30,000 records per psychotronic broadcast tower. And we have a bunch of those, over 1000 within the jurisdiction of my facility. That's approximately 30,000,000 records consisting of the standard name-address-telephone number, medical history, patterns in biochemistry, employer, spouse, voting records, and just about anything you can imagine. Even though we're a secret agency using systems far more advanced that the public will probably ever see in its lifespan (OK, maybe some of the 5 year olds out there will use some of this stuff before they retire) the data takes about 2 days to upload. And if you screw up- if you leave out a field in there somewhere, the software either operates off incomplete data or goes completely haywire.

I left off the phone number field when telling the software what I wanted it to do with the data.

Luckily we do it tower by tower, so only about 200,000 missed psychotronic broadcasts over the phone before we caught the error. Meaning, the towers do their job, but we also include additional broadcasts in cellular telephone conversations.

"What? I'm being subjected to mind control every time I use a cell phone?"

Yes, but think of it more like an advertisement for engaging in a certain behavior, such as improved customer service if you happen to be in the service industry.

It's pretty low-level stuff, but when I screw up like this I wonder how long it's going to be before I screw up something huge and we end up with another riot in L.A. like we did that time I put noncorresponding data with the local tower.

Kurt Cobain: Assassinated by Yawning Anus

Yawning Anus will never admit to anything, but Kurt Cobain was a project gone awry. Meant to be another underground figure used to divert the discretionary income of teenagers in to larger coffers than independent businessmen could produce, he fulfilled that role. It became very apparent that it would be more cost effective to immortalize him before allowing him to my my, hey hey...fade away. What better way to do it than by killing two birds with one stone and solidifying the existence and clout of yet another public figure: Courtney Love. She is responsible for siphoning millions of discretionary dollars out of that attitude we created that, in general, says "Fuck Establishment."

Cobain continues to hit record-breaking marks for our contractors. Killing him with Love was the best decision we could have made to fulfill that particular contract, and it paid the bills during the Clinton administration, when legislating and manipulating morality was not a priority.

These days, we don't need to fish for pop stars and public figures like we did in the '90s. We have a completely new group playing a completely different ball game, with a completely different budget. Let's face it- the Bush years are funding the Yawning Anus in ways that we never dreamed of before- all this ability to legislate morality, and now we have a market willing to pay top-dollar to divide populations and produce drugs and psychotronics that satisfy some of the more extreme segments of society.

That's what we do- we cater to the guy holding the fistfull of dollars.

Now, you might say, "What about conflicts of interest?"

Yeah, that entire concept is indeed a huge area we pay special attention to. We have an Associate Director dedicated to finding creative ways to accomodate all with whom we have contracts. I'm certainly glad I don't have his job- I'd be terrible at it. Give me backed-up secret agency toilets and a "mad crapper" who shits in boxes and mails it to other assistant directors any day. The arena of conflict of interest is incredibly complex and harrowing- that's why we hire someone as an associate director of a secret agency to deal with it.

Yawning Anus: We Do Chicken Right

Oh the horror. Yes, we do indeed plan, implement, study, and evaluate the biochemical and neurological reactions in populations when a delicate shimmer of a psychotronic wave strikes a fluoride molecule in the human brain. Non-metals (H, N, O, F, S, CL, Br, and I) are generally the basis for any set of chemical equations involving neurology and electromagnetic broadcast. My knowledge of neurology and chemistry is very limited- my background is stronger in statistics and assimilating large volumes of data into clear and accurate conceptualizations of the social reality. I also speak more than one language. For this I cannot delve into an operational level discussion on what happens when you do this or that when it comes to broadcast and chemicals. That's what they make assistant directors for.

My attention has recently been drawn to various individuals and, in some cases, discussion groups who acknowledge and fear the current social order. In the future I believe it would be prudent to keep tabs on these groups, possibly even break them up and reprogram their constituents. For now they serve as fodder- people with such low credibility blabbing the truth are no threat to our operations at this time. As a matter of fact they take a lot of legitimate heat away. But once that heat reaches critical mass, I could see us having a problem that we'd have to take care of not Mt. Carmel style, but Pinochet style.

If I Could Save Time in a Yawning Anus

Jim Croce was one of our plants. So now that I've explained the title, let's get on to more important stuff.

"More important stuff?" you ask.

"Yes," I say, "There are more important things than the meaning or passing reference behind the latest title for a Yawning Anus post."

Those things being, the maintenance and update of the code and equipment required to produce psychotronic broadcasts, the maintenance and improvement of the chemicals and psychotropic substances we place in your food, water, and air, and the public figures that act with a synergy to maximize the effects of the aforementioned. These are key to the mechanical solidarity of the society we are hired to produce to keep the elites elite, and the underclass an underclass.

It's what I do for a living- I coordinate them. And it isn't simple stuff. Kids grow up watching James Bond saying "I want to be a secret agent when I grow up!" Fact is, we have never employed anybody that ever said that, and we do background checks using multiple parties back to the crib. We take no chances in hiring our agents. Our agents are increasingly becoming preplanned. I mean that in the sense we build them up from birth. This is a relatively new concept, its implementation even newer- we actually genetically engineer embryos and plant them in hookers and other sleazebags and snatch them away at birth, only to put them in styles of households that have statistically proven to produce top-notch agents.

What?

Yes, I mean it. That's a program under one of the other associate directors. They know how to do that type of thing. We have 50 state agencies that relocate our investments, and contrary to popular belief, a strong child can overcome its mother's methamphetamine or heroin addiction within a month of birth. These are the agents we want, and we will take them out of their situation of "adapt or die" and place them amongst the priveleged, who can insure (at no cost to us) that these kids become highly educated.

So what do you have? You have an embryo that leaves my office and gets implanted in a hooker for $50 and the cost of the anesthesia. She gets sick from continuing to abuse drugs, vapors, alcohol, and other intoxicants, and gives birth to the embryo. If not, well, I'll tell you, it doesn't cost that much to clone an agent- we'll produce a new embryo. If the mother cleans up her act and gives birth 8-9 months later, we destroy her financially and reputation-wise, and the court takes the kid, gives it to the state, who gives it to the parent(s) we have pre-selected or sterilized so that we might use them to grow a new agent.

That's basically the rundown of the process. We started operating this way in the 70's and are just now getting an agent here and there that was bred for the job. I could go into more detail, but I won't because I don't feel like compressing 1000 years of research and development into one blog post.

Now you know where secret agents come from.

It's Been A Long Time Since I Rock and Yawning Anused

Indeed, psychotronic devices and chemical dusting of the food and water supplies used to have more side effects. We have progressed a great deal since those times, and have perfected the dirty dancing between psychotronic broadcasts and psychoactive chemicals into a science. We don't make decisions based on faulty data or statistical insignificance- we spend the time and effort to match up clustered models of behavior patterns with the values and deires of those with whom we have contracts. Of course, we have software that helps out quite a bit, and a spicy database whose ass just won't quit.

The following letter is alarming and vital to the understanding of how far the issue of psychotronic weapons and projects aimed at controlling American citizens and people everywhere has progressed.

Now, this letter was written in 1994 and I believe it addressed about 15 years worth of questions about the activities of not only my agency but other agencies as well. I could see how the timeline could include some of the more "drastic" effects that we have seen from the psychotronic broadcasts. But give us some slack- before Windows 84 (yes, we had Windows years before anybody else, and just like everybody else, we are also currently at the mercy of Microsoft) we had to do the vast majority of calculations with a pencil and paper. I don't care how many degrees an agent or an assistant director has- you're going to make the occasional error when calculating interactions of broadcast code with chemicals in the food and water supplies. We are talking hundreds, at times thousdands of variables interacting in very complex ways.

Psychotronics are 100% safe all parties involved. It is when they are not in use, or someone gets the bright idea to get an AFDB, that people become a nightmare. Here's a good analogy: a kid doesn't want to take his medicine because it tastes bad. Eventually he will become so sick he will either a)break down and take the medicine, or b), drown in his own vomit or mucous. Psychotronics have become the medicine that keeps society from breaking down into solitary animals, the rooves of their mouths lined with rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth, scurrying between dumpsters in dark alleys, shredding anyone else they come across.

Look at The Machine, the Great Abstract served by humans. Generally, the greater the human's service to the Machine, the greater the rewards. Unfortunately, humans have not evolved to the point where they can simply serve the Machine- humans must develop technology and chemistry to evolve their minds to a point where they can effectively serve the machine and reproduce more servants. And that's where my agency comes in- we provide that extra spark that produces better servants of the Machine, and we maintain the power and status of the elites. Without my agency, you would see a breakdown into utter chaos and anarchy.

Yawning Anus Garage Sale Days

As secret agencies develop new, more powerful equipment, the old equipment eventually has to be removed. As an Associate Director, I'm in charge of facilities- maintenance and all that stuff. I get yelled at when the other associate directors are too hot or too cold in their offices. They even complain when these new water saving toilets won't evacuate all their contents on the first flush. So goes life as an administrator in a secret agency.

A huge problem we are facing now is the storage of old equipment. You can't exactly put a PSY452-0LLGH7113 out on a table at a garage sale for someone to come along, fondle it, and say, "I'll give you a quarter." For obvious reasons, it would be a bad move to dump them off at the Salvation Army or in Goodwill's "Donation Station" as well. Because I have more square feet than any other facility, the Central Office has handed down that I store all the crap other locations have lying around.

Here are some examples of some of the outdated equipment we have collecting dust in the basement of our facilities. Eventually I'll have to go through the proper channels to get this stuff destroyed. It's a 4-signature process that requires a "historically underused" vendor with the proper licenses to dispose of these types of equipment and materials. You can't just dump a psychotronic device in a landfill. It's not good for the environment.


PSY334-0PK7665913 Internal Component for A G4 Psychotronic Transmitter Ca. 1942



Various Broadcast Monitor Units with Drug Resonance Analyzer Ca. 1958


HHP-0LL/GH/P043-977324 Portable Psychotronic Broadcast Unit Ca. 1965



Master Control Broadcast Booth Equipment (Waco, Texas) Ca. 1981

The Bird in Hand is Better Than Two In The Yawning Anus

It drives me nuts when I see stuff like this on the Internet. Who the hell do these people think they are? We've developed a new generation of psychotronic devices that can penetrate these flimsy things, but so far our best strategy for dealing with them has been to discredit them in all areas of their lives, reducing them to middle-aged outcasts completely dependent on their mothers or other figures who will listen to them and allow them to continue such existences in attics and basements. The thing that is most destructive about these conspiracy theories is the ideas they spread. It is not in the best interest of my budget (especially the sub account from whence comes my salary) to allow these "theorists" to proliferate. Our strategy revolves around creating the illusion of free will in the consumer, and when that illusion begins to erode, how can we deliver on contracts?

An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers. AFDBs are inexpensive (even free if you don't mind scrounging for thrown-out aluminium foil) and can be constructed by anyone with at least the dexterity of a chimp (maybe bonobo). This cheap and unobtrusive form of mind control protection offers real security to the masses. Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret. AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you're good to go! Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable.


.

Lock, Stock, and Yawning Anus

Many conspiracy theorists believe that secret agencies manipulate stock markets to keep elites in power. This is true to an extent, but not in the same sense in which they believe. We manipulate consumers and impact their purchase decisions using cocktails of psychoactive chemicals and psychoactive electronic broadcasts. This has an impact on stock markets that reinforces elite status, but we don't do anything that one could consider a transgression of existing law, or what is perceived as existing law. That would draw attention to natural processes that have been in place for millenia, but which happen to have a current form that revolves around technology rather than religion or other bureaucracy.

And what brings about a post on separation of agency and market? Jerk of All Trades made a mention of his blogshare stock exploding in value, and I just had to get in on it. No neural manipulation or drugs or chemicals or anything- just a simple human reaction to get in while the getting's good. Besides, I find the game a charming passtime between drinking binges scheduled for days that the agency is automated or focused on projects that do not require me for anything, like signing off on forms and other shit that secret agency administrators have to do while they're all cooped up in a nuclear powered bunker or street level office with a hologram code in the psychotronics that makes it appear as some other type of office.

Yawning Anus Lives Strong

Secret agencies don't usually observe the concept of "weekend" or "holiday" or any of that other nonsense the elite promote as something to which the capitalist worker is entitled. Free time is an invention that costs less than actually paying people. By that, I mean it's a gimmick created to keep the worker and most professionals chasing after a carrot on a stick, just over a shorter term than say, getting your mortgage paid off. It's weekly reward for not revolting in a manner that threatens the elite.

Secret agency work transcends the concept of "career" as well. It's more like taking vows of celibacy and becoming a priest. But it pays a helluva lot better and the memory can be wiped from the bearer of the vagina or the anus, or whatever you stick your secret agent dick in. We have machines that take care of any problems that our own fleshly pleasures can create. Drugs too. This is what sets us aside from the priesthood- we don't get caught.

But we cater to the same folks, providing different services. Of course religious figures do fall under one of the associate directors of Yawning Anus, but religion itself is a group of separate entities for which we provide leaders.

Back to drugs, read KOM, a lacivious polyphonist. He has zeroed in on one of our pre-planned manifestations of mainstream model production. That being a "wonder drug." We had to start producing this class of drugs to keep behavior patterns of older segments within certain parameters. If we started using these chemicals in food and water supplies with psychotronics, our existing contracts with Democrats and other liberals would immediately cease, populations would explode in growth, and the general affluence among baby boomers would be drained away, completely monkeywrenching our current social engineering plans. Besides, our current contracts with Republicans to legislate morality would become nil and void. That's why we have arranged a sweetheart deal with the Mexican and Canadian governments. Perhaps I'll give more details on that later, but not at this time

Pill 'em All. Let Yawning Anus Sort 'em Out

It's no coincidence that Americans buy more- and pay more for- drugs than any other country on the planet. That dates back to three 1985 contracts with Pfizer, Bayer, and Johnson and Johnson. Basically it reads "We pay you, you create a psychological addiction to instant medical solutions." And we have delivered our end of the bargain quite well by proliferating a pervceived need that has resulted in a pharmacological revolution. This perceived need is produced by a very complex part of the psychotronic code that activates neural synapses when the waves hit a certain chemical in cells. We piggyback this chemical mostly with fertilizers, but preservatives provide an excellent vehicle for its distribution as well in those products that are not grown.

This project was huge in 1985 and took a lot of research, development and evaluation before we got the alpha levels we needed. I mean, you're basically drugging people so they'll buy drugs. Working out all the interactions to keep behavior within the parameters of the model was the hugest pain in the ass you could ever imagine. We were dealing with over 500 dominant variables and thousands of recessive variables. How we accomplished the project in 5 years I will never know, but to give credit where credit is due, we hire only the brightest. And the neurological engineers are the ones that pulled it off.

So now, you feel a cold coming on and you want to knock it out. What's your first course of action? Prayer? Laying on of hands? Lots of orange juice? Cranking up the electric blanket to burn it off? Nope, you've got a distributor within 5 minutes of you, if you don't already have the solution in your medicine cabinet (another Yawning ANus creation). The food you eat and the psychotronic waves passing through your brain and activating chemicals make your first choice to take a pill or syrup for what ails you.

Cardiac arrest? Take an aspirin and call the paramedics. Low energy? Take an energy supplement pill. Back pain? Take a muscle relaxer pill. Stuffy nose? Take a pseudoephedrine pill. Allergies? Take a diphenhydramine pill. Short attention span? Take a methamphetamine pill. The drug companies have you covered when it comes to dealing with medical problems, but Yawning Anus is what makes the drug companies your first choice, rather than other bizarre forms of treatment, like rubbing an egg on a baby, or annointing with oil, or whatever else people come up with to solve problems.

Yawning Anus Abortion Technician

Unfortunately I'm experiencing a bit of writer's block here. I mean, there's only so much inspiration you can get out of being an administrator in a secret agency. I spent most of the day signing forms, about 20% of my time trying to motivate employees, general shit you have to do when you're in charge of an operation of any sort.

Let's see: meeting with Assistant Director of Facilities. The summer brings in cockroaches and other vermin, depending on what's mating or migrating and when. In May and June it's roaches. In July it's crickets. In August it's a local variety of beatle and moth. In the winter it's rats and squirrels. And you thought secret agency facilities were free of all that shit because you see them all sparkling and clean on TV. Keeping a secret agency facility clear of animals is a lot of hard work, and even secret agencies need to hire exterminators. Because we are a "government-supported" agency, we have to go to "Historically Underused Businesses" to fulfill needs ranging from HVAC to office supplies to this one, extermination of pests. The pain in the ass part is doctoring the accounts and wiping the memories of the exterminators. That takes a form in itself. Let's face it- I really fucking hate the actual facilities dealings in my job. I control populations for chrissake!

What else: meeting with Associate Director of Psychotronics. As much as I like Ralph, he's always hitting me up for more funding, and that irks me. Anybody in his position should be able to handle basic goal planning and accounting, or have one of his assistant directors do it. I'm always hearing "we're overbudget, but we have to have this or that to accomplish what we've been hired to do." I say get a life and learn how to plan finances you damn weasel.

Inbox. My fucking God there's a shitload of stuff. Hmmmm...Travel Authorization Requests, Administrative Services Requests, 1 Request to Eliminate Threat to Program...those are always interesting. My assistant tends to miss a lot of details when evaluating these- social security numbers don't match, logic is all wrong, Threat is out of range or eating different foods. These you have to be careful with, and I'd fire her ass if she weren't 99% effective based on her frequent screw-ups with these particular forms.

OK, and the worst part of my day: e-mail.

Wow- there's some pretty heavy stuff in here. "Increase Your Length By 3" And Make Her Beg," "Canadian Viagra 1/2 Price," etc. You get the idea. But I have to pay attention to every single one because a lot of times these are encoded. You think your fast food job sucks, you fucking try being an administrator in a secret agency that HAS to look over EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN e-mail just in case the sender encoded it. You may ask "But doesn't a secret agency have a spam filter?" The answer is undoubtedly a "yes" and my question in return is, "Do you think it works 100% all the time you cunt?"

Turns out only one of my "Decrease Your Mortgage" e-mails was of any meaning. It was coded to look like spam, but basically was just a carbon copy an agent sent to an Assistant Director of Psychotronics which ended in the meeting I had with the Associate Director. They want more money.

Well, there you have it...a rundown of a Friday in the life of a secret agency administrator. And if you're wondering where the title of the post came from, think "Butthole Surfers." They were a creation we used to draw into the mainstream some very antisocial activities. You can thank us for making shitting on people off a catwalk, firing 12 guage blanks into crowds, and live presentations of penis surgery socially acceptable, through that tool we monikered "The Butthole Surfers."

Yawning Anus Shook Me All Night Long

My agency tends to lead toward more advanced organisms for mind control purposes. But there are firms out there that rely on the good old fashioned virus to enhance reception of the message they are paid to send out.

Flu viruses have had all the lethality bred out of them over the years- these days you're only out 3 days, a week tops. Mononucleosis is another one. And when you go under the effects of that virus, you become an impressionable sponge that absorbs the effects of print and broadcast advertising. There are agencies that have contracts with marketing firms to deliver these viruses to the masses.

We don't use that stuff- we have psychotronic patents and infrastructure to accomplish similar goals, and the outcomes of such equipment with the expertise to use it are much more predictable. Statistically significant probability is what makes my agency the cornerstone of almost all secret agency work. And it tends to tick me off when other agencies do a second rate job of what we charge corporations and the government far less to accomplish.

Yawning Anus is a Bullet. You are the Target.

I have professed to excess the importance of looking at different combinations of influences to explain, extrapolate, and describe human behavior in ways that explaining, extrapolating, and describing ways of management of behavior are effective 99.95% of the time. Implementation is key. Except in business, where it's generally acceptable to come up with a puny .10 alpha level.

That's basically what a secret agency does: we collect data, extrapolate, and design ways of manipulating the behaviors within that data to fulfill the needs and desires of contractors. And now the Director wants me to be PR guy. This is uncalled for- we are a "Secret Agency." The keyword is "secret." Why in the fuck are they fielding questions to the director who is fielding questions to me about our activities? God fucking dammit this isn't in our history- I have nothing to go off of here to deal with this! Goddam weak-assed leadership is the issue with me. If that fucker had one ball he'd tell the fuckers to fuck off and go fuck themselves because they ain't getting shit. But he's not, so I gotta come up with a good lie.

Translated, somebody high up believed a flake who had gone to the press days before. If not, they will soon. Possibly a schizophrenic. If not, they will be soon will be. We have ways of taking care of things like that, and that may be what The Director is trying to tell me- take care of this shit either through PR means or through whatever other means you have, because it's not going to go away nor fly with me, and it's your fault it happened.

I don't like PR means. If I wanted to deal with advertising and PR, I'd have done more drugs in college.

If you watch the news carefully in the next 48 hours you WILL see the story. Rest assured, it WILL be dealt with. Possibly through assassination, possibly through the old "you never hear about it again" routine, which is of course based on drugs in the food, psychotronics, "special" visits to public figures, possibly another technology (Morthren?) we've been working on (if all goes according to today's plan.)

You'll get a "whisper of something" in the news and that will be the end. Until then, it's an all-nighter at the Yawning Anus.

Character Assassinations

Though secret agencies in general starved during the Clinton administration, we did produce a few sleepers for use by the Democratic Party at a later time (just as we produced Clinton himself for the Republican party.) Neal Horsley is one of these creations.

These people are basically public figures we psychologically sabotage at one point in time to reap the benefits at another point in time. It's part of our public figures department, and has been applied to all sorts of population manipulation, especially assassins. You take a person for whom you have plans, subject them to either a type of surgery or alteration in diet, and you have a one-use tool that later denies they had anything to do with the incident in which you place them. They can pass lie detector tests- everything- because they truly believe they are innocent.

Neal Horsley was surgically altered in late 1995 when certain Powers That Be predicted he would throw a monkeywrench into the huge chunk of machinery that is Social Security. By making abortions dangerous for doctors and humiliating for women, he has worked directly over the years to produce an insignificant (but fully capable of spreading) increase in the population. With an increase in the population, Social Security could survive, but at the time the idea was to "starve the beast" and therefore keep the population down that would otherwise replenish the system through income tax.

It was time for this project to complete itself with his character assassination and downfall 2 years ago, but some of our Republican contractees threatened pullout if we fulfilled our commitments to the Democratic party. After a couple of years of stalling and withholding payment for services, the people paying our bills decided the sense of nationalism and a resurgence in religion were sufficent enough to not interfere with their processes. We can now also fulfill our contract with the Democratic party on some other figures programmed for sexual scandal and character assassinations. Look for plenty more right wingers taking downfalls due to some seemingly bizarre tastes in sex with men, women, children, and in Horsley's case, animals.

Secret Agency Nights

Being an administrator in a secret agency can really be a pain in the ass, the source of which comes from delegating authority that ends off in details. It comes from weaker, inexperienced mid-management. I do not need or want to have a meeting over every last goddamn detail of every single goddamn project. I've become very good at pointing at an assistant director and saying "Do what you feel is necessary, but don't fuck up or you'll answer to me." I assume that's the stance the director wants me to take with dealing with these folks. I mean, he'd get pretty pissed off if he had to fly to our facility once a week to discuss how many kilograms of whatever chemical we're using with whatever psychotronic code to maximize use of our resources and deliver statistically significant behavior patterns among 99.5% of the population in the region our facility serves. That shit's supposed to be taken care of at the assistant directorship level! (Or below, if the agents are really good.)

In other news, we haven't made any new breakthroughs with these parasites we've been engineering, but it has shot to the top of the projects list. Right below our new generation of psychotronics that deliver a broadcast that works better on aging minds. The behavior patterns of theelderly are more difficult to control, as we're operating against 60+ years of programming and brains that aren't as healthy as they once were. You get old, your mind turns to mush, and EM broadcasts just don't work as well at controlling/inspiring your behavior.

If we could somehow change the very nature of food consumption (i.e., you eat Product A from the ages of 0 to 4, Product B from the ages of 4 to 10, Product C from the ages of 11 to 18, Product D from 19 to 25, Product E from 26 to 50, Product F from 51 to 75, on down the line) it would make our job a lot easier. Fact is, some 18 year olds like oatmeal, some 70 year olds like chili-cheese dogs. Food preference is indeed something we have looked in to, but we haven't made any statistically significant findings that would allow us to segment our food enhancement in a way that accomodates preferences and psychotronics. So everybody gets the same slop coupled with EM broadcasts to produce behavior and thought patterns that are predictable 99.50% of the time. If you're over 50 we've got a prefabricated human leader for you to make the most of whatever we've got left in the chemicals and psychotronics managing your brain to the best of our standards.

Our society and food distribution haven't evolved that far yet. That's more of a 20-year project. These worms could cut some of that time down, but we will probably always have to deal with the aging of the human brain.

2010: The Year of the Worm

I cannot stress enough how important it is that the psychotronics work well with the chemicals we put in common food. That is one of the basic tenets of our operation- you can't have one without the other and maintain behavior patterns at a .05 alpha level. You get a lot of chaos if you don't and nobody wants a contract with you- not even a government benefactor or re-election schemester.

Though I don't completely understand the process, one of the assistant directors and his team in the food management division of Yawning Anus- The Secret Agency has developed a parasite that emits a low grade radio wave. Drum fills aside, I guess you could call it a "fluke"- they were working on genetically engineering a brain parasite that horded chemicals from the food, released them at intervals to maintain a steady supply of psychotropics in the bloodstream, and fed on random protein particles floating around in the human brain. The research had amazing implications- we could cut our food management budget and just rely on the worms to do the chemistry work for us.

But somehow the team discovered that the particular chemical they were testing caused a mutation in the 8th generation of worms and makes them give off a minute amount of EM energy! Other than that they do exactly what they're supposed to- maintain levels of the chemical in the host's bloodstream.

Of course, the 8th generation will require testing with other chemicals, and we've got a long way to go before we engineer these animals into broadcasting psychotronic codes from within the human host, but suddenly I see a future where we're spending a fraction on "dusting" crops, and even less on broadcast electronics! All we will need to do is develop the breed, send out the eggs in mosquito saliva or in the water supply, and we're set to go.

I give it 5 years before every man, woman, and child has one of these parasites taking the place of billions of dollars worth of mind-altering chemicals and psychotronic broadcast equipment. Each is its own chemical regulator and psychotronic broadcaster- population control boiled down into a simple swamp animal.

Yawning Anus Hierarchy

For the outside observer, it’s difficult to see how decisions are made in a secret agency without understanding both data collection and the hierarchy. I am basically the local director of administration, and I am one of 5 associates. The other four associates direct areas like data, food management, psychotronics, etc. I’m in charge of facilitating decisions among the other associates, facilities, and local projects/development. Sometimes we fight, but that’s how it goes when you work in a secret agency.

Each of the five associates has 2 (or 3) assistant directors, who are in charge of managing 3-5 agents each. All in all, we have about 57 people involved with the agency itself, and about 5 additional staff- secretary, janitors, a nurse, and a gopher. Needless to say the 5 additional staff members are heavily drugged and psychosurgically altered to produce within them completely different reality perceptions than what the rest of us see. The janitors think they work in a hospital- the nurse thinks she works in a university nurse’s office, the secretary thinks she works for a trucking company, and the gopher is a high school kid earning part-time wages for a newspaper to support his marihuana habit. All are under surveillance in their private lives (heavily monitored by one of my agents under my Facilities Assistant Director.)

Most of the agents are in their thirties and forties and highly educated. The majority have Ph.D.s in everything from neurochemical engineering to anthropolgy. The rest have at least master’s degrees with other certifications. Needless to say, all are proficient at research and data collection, hypothesizing,, theorizing, whatever it takes to produce what they are required to produce- under the guidance of the assistant directors.

That’s basically a rundown of how Yawning Anus and some other secret agencies operate. Perhaps it will help explain how decisions are made and elaborate on what's going on in the background of future posts.

Space Travel and Population Management

Space travel will present a particularly unique set of variables to deal with when controlling populations. Currently, a few astronauts here and there will notice a change in consciousness during their time in space, but basic behaviorist theory pretty much keeps them doing what they are trained to do while out of the range of our psychotronics. In the 60's we negotiated with a company (whose name I am not at liberty to mention) who was negotiating with NASA to provide food for astronauts. Since then, we have been able to maintain levels of mind control chemicals in people's food even beyond the bounds of gravity and atmosphere.

However, when an astronaut is in orbit outside the bounds of satellite emissions, they continue to function based on years and years of training regimens. Those years are however a weak substitute for pure psychotronic broadcasts.

My agency currently has a few projects on the backburner and we are anticipating having to actually activate them within the next 10 years.

One is a series of superorbital satellites that broadcast from distances beyond the orbits of space stations and shuttle travel. Another is a device that rides along in the vehicle and broadcasts from a discreet location. Yet another is an implant. The problem with implants is that we simply don't have enough data storage space in them to accomodate the full range of psychotronic codes that an astronaut would normally receive on Earth. These crazies that wander the streets complaining about mind control devices and what not in their teeth or sinuses are sadly mistaken- those devices are tied into another agency's computers, but they are not used for any form of mind control that I know of. I am not familiar with their exact purpose but one of my colleagues, with whom I was an agent years ago, is now working with that agency. Perhaps I'll ask him about it at the next conference.

Within a few years, however, perhaps we'll be using combinations of all three of these devices. I anticipate our implant technology to improve by leaps and bounds as we begin using human nerve tissue in the circuits rather than gold, platinum, and other metals and plastics.

We have successfully used this same process to create everything from spies to assassins. Unfortunately the complexities of the human brain prevent this from being a cost-effective option in population manipulation. The surgery itself usually takes upwards of 48 hours, and then you have on occasion what we call "misfires"- people whose surgery was botched, leaving them a twitching pile of nerves. Terri Schiavo may have been a part of one of these projects for another secret agency before becoming a political tool. I'm not sure about that however, but I do know she was the result of the work of one of my colleagues.

NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Yale University researchers say their study that used lasers to create remote-controlled fruit flies could lead to a better understanding of overeating and violence in humans.

Using the lasers to stimulate specific brain cells, researchers say they were able to make the flies jump, walk, flap their wings and fly.

Even headless flies took flight when researchers stimulated the correct neurons, according to the study, published in the April 7 issue of the journal Cell.

Scientists say the study could ultimately help identify the cells associated with psychiatric disorders, overeating and aggressiveness.

Biologists have long known that an electrical stimulus can trigger muscle response, but this approach used focused beams of light to stimulate neurons that would have been impossible to study using electrodes.

Gero Miesenbock, associate professor of cell biology at Yale, said if the process could be duplicated on mice, researchers might be able to better understand the cellular activity that leads to certain behavior.

"Ultimately, that could be important to understanding human psychiatric disorders," Miesenbock said. "That's really futuristic stuff."

P2P Networks

We gave up using backmasking and subliminal messages in music 50 years ago. Its effects are not statistically significant and the alpha level is somewhere in the 50% area. Meaning, either it works or it doesn't. We demand alpha levels above .99 in our psychotronic cause-effects before we'll even consider throwing them in to a mix of other codes. (Then we have to figure out the results of the interaction, which can take months, possibly years.)

So some punk with a couple of bodyguards comes in to my office today (I love the drama these guys bring with them!) and asks me to develop a code to place inside MP3s that will make people stop downloading their music. I laughed at him, he took off his sunglasses, and his body guards stuck out their chests.

"We can't do it like that- it doesn't work," I said.

"I suggest you make it work," he replied, and motioned to a bodyguard to open a briefcase loaded with $100 bills.

"What do you think you're some petty mafioso or something?" I asked him.

"We can make it very lucrative for the Yawning Anus."

I laughed at him. "You don't know jack shit. Get the fuck out of my goddam office you little weasel."

He gave me a threatening stare, packed up his money, and left.

That's who is behind the mass-marketing of culture. These people are just as low as those guys selling pyramid schemes, burglar bars, advertising, and other boogeymen. They think the mind can be controlled with simple shit because they have no clue what they're talking about and would give anyone $1 million if told they'd see a return. Cocksucking sheep.

Fact is, you can't put a mind control code in an MP3 and expect the listener to do what they're told. It doesn't work that way. You have to use a combination of various types of conditioning, psychotronics, and chemicals in the food and air to produce behavior that you're sure will be consistent over 99% of the time. Meaning, a briefcase full of money isn't enough to make me sign off on huge shifts in policy that would lead to these kids stopping downloading. For every one of those briefcases that come my way, there are ten briefcases against that type of "intellectual property" bullshit, and I laugh at them 10 times harder. Things just don't work that way when it comes to manipulating entire populations.

The Schiavo Project

I have professed to excess that one of my career goals is to create public figures through genetic manipulation and socialization. I have also professed that new developments in psychotronic mind control will eliminate that as a career option for me in my lifetime. I'll be replaced by a machine.

But I can't see opportunity turning its back on population manipulation. Take for instance Terri Schiavo. One of my former colleagues is behind this stunt- arranged for the accident and everything, because he foresaw a need for such a distraction in the previously foreseen present. When you have a war coming up, or in place, you need a good distraction here and there to keep people from thinking too hard about current reality. Schiavo has been a very successful tool, just as Monica Lewinsky was, at averting the public eye to something insignificant in the grand scheme of things. (If you think Bill Clinton didn't consciously choose to face the music from conservatives for the Starr report over the scandal of bombing terrorists in Afghanistan, think again. Monica, not Afghanistan was the diversion in that one.) Who cares about relatives getting killed and killing people in Iraq when you have a brain dead Florida woman about to die in the public eye?

So perhaps I won't be breeding future leaders in the massive tangled web of public figures, population manipulating chemicals, and psychotronics, but opportunity is always there, and creating the Schiavos of the world could very well be my calling, in light of new psychotronic technology.

Where should I start the drama and controversy? A Texas woman drowning her children to blind the public eye to a scandal involving arms for heroin to minimize war protests? Maybe a good old fashioned Mount Carmel seige to hide an important public figure's dealings with a 3rd world dictator stashing nuclear weapons? Even better, implying an impending civil war to detract from civil rights issues- based around a court case I create today that involves young folks who will soon be adults.

Anything to divide the U.S. opinion 50-50 so that the future Powers That Be can manipulate a mere one percent of either side and gain entry into power. All it takes is one person- and I think with my expertise in psychotronics and putting chemicals in the food via my agency that we can create that one person. Volunteers are more than welcome, please leave a comment, and we will turn you in to a societal issue.

Despite new psychotronic developments, the future looks bright.

Secret Agency Conferences

Sometimes the profession of secret agency administration forces one to travel. Personally, I’d rather sit around and tell people what to do, but when I signed up for this profession I knew there’d be other responsibilities I had to take care of. Going to conferences is one of them.

All professions have conferences to spread the "joy" around and send ideas out through the thought matrix. Secret agencies operate a little differently. We get a message that’s nothing more than a hotel and a date. Anything that vague is obviously something very important, so arrangements are made, and on that date I find myself in a room full of people that do everything from monitor telephone calls to produce statistical models of population behaviors to selling heroin. And the room is usually full of smoke behind locked doors.

Everyone has the high-tech equivalent of the of an aluminum hat- earplug devices that counteract psychotronic broadcasts, and everyone has their supplies of Negazol- a psychoactic chemical that counteracts psychotronic-enhancing chemicals in the food and drink. Negazol, incidently, gives you a helluva buzz as well, making it perfect for use in secret agencies. The Illuminati invented it before they fell apart and lapsed into The Current Powers That Be, which I’m not at liberty to discuss, and it continues to be produced in the ruins of a pyramid in South America. But that’s all sidebar stuff.

It looks like the future of secret agency work will focus on college campuses- we already have psychotronic towers near every single college campus in the U.S. as well as food supply operations and public figure development. My agency hits these targets as well as the working and professional classes, but we may need more population behavior and psychological manipulation in our youth. Admittedly, I am behind on updating our reach among these targets.

I’ve been hired to turn them in to sheep, but so much of our work focuses on making people think they aren’t sheep that we’re going against the grain on this. The key word is "think." Yes, our operations are geared to produce sheep who think they aren’t sheep, and I tend to think this could be a waist of time and resources. Perhaps it’s time to develop strategies that lead to populations that beg for leadership rather than populations that beg for independence while being sheep and following the programming.

At this point, it looks like my current strategy and the future are indeed mutually exclusive. The industry mandates that people not only act like sheep, but think like sheep. It will be tough to break through the current policy of making people act like sheep under the illusion of free thought.

The CORNHOLE Code

I met with a couple of my engineers today (electrical and neurological engineers) and we’re ready to re- upload the CORNHOLE code into the psychotronic network that helps you make purchasing decisions, along with a few strategically-placed mind altering chemicals and public figures. The CORNHOLE code stands for CORrective Neurological Habituation to Organizational and Local Extensions. Basically, it means we can set up a bureau or other organization that answers to my office and people don’t notice.

This particular psychotronic code has a history of interfering with other broadcasts, and has required extensive revision over the past few years. Marketing people would sell their souls for this particular code, but would be unable to use it for any real benefit, as chaos would ensue upon activation and they couldn’t control the effects. I imagine it would have a leveling effect, and all brands would have equal share in the marketplace, eliminating competition and resulting in stagnating mediocrity in the consumer environment. To start. But as other population control measures were eroded by the broadcast, there’s no telling what would happen.

What I mean is, it’s potentially dangerous if you don’t know how to mix it with other population manipulation technology.

But what does it do, you ask? Again, it makes people not notice new stuff- buildings, people, almost everything- including taxes. If you’ve ever had an interesting conversation with a complete stranger who seems like your best friend, you were in the broadcast radius of one of these codes. If someone says "did you see they turned Restaurant A into Restaurant B" and you say "No, it’s been Restaurant B for a long time," but you can’t quite remember how long, there’s a CORNHOLE broadcast going on.

It’s all about the sense of familiarity. This sense has some particularly important uses in controlling populations, and therefore maintaining the status quo of the priveleged in a system that feeds off the bottom and the marginalized.

I should end this post with a brief piece of trivia on the CORNHOLE code. Remember when you used to play that game where you toss the beanbag into a hole in a box. Of course you do. CORNHOLE is nothing new to you at all, even though it’s only recently that it goes by that name. Find yourself questioning where that sense of familiarity came from? It’s the psychotronic broadcast tower outside the city.

Failed Population Manipulation

In the past we have used viruses to deliver desired psychological conditions. They usually go out in mosquitos, sometimes processed foods and drinking water. The problem is, they tend to mutate and cause other effects. Long before my time- back in the 50s- we developed one to increase hormones. It was a very effective aphrodisiac, and had some strong military uses. Unfortunately it mutated during offshore testing, and Africa is suffering and spreading the consequences. Just get ahold of an electron microscope and check out the logos and serial numbers on those viruses if you don’t believe me.

Thus, the forerunner of psychotronic mind control was banned as an area of research. Of course the military stockpiled all kinds of infectious materials, but my agency had and continues to have nothing to do with that. We deal only in electromagnetic broadcast and supplements.

Speaking of which, I had a meeting with some agents today. They feel I’m getting too comfortable as an administrator and am not fulfilling my obligations. This bothers me: I feel like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in the field and see the firsthand effects of population control, at the same time, I feel like I did my time in the field and am worthy of pursuing other changes in population policy.

Becoming an administrator in this secret agency, I’ve had to be the tough guy in the field, I’ve had to learn medicine, neuropsychology, electrical engineering, and a host of other specializations to be able to coordinate them into effective policy with strategic results. One cannot control populations for interested parties without understanding the bio-psycho-social effects of every single variable one introduces into the population equation.

And then I see what they’re saying. They’re saying, "You’re thinking too hard- we need a leader- someone who can give us immediate answers." They have stuck a knife in my weakness. If I want to play God, I have to be a vengeful god- a bull in a china shop.

Holy krikey.

Now I see. My agents are as under the influence of our population control measures as the rest of the population. My current sets of policy work to create a need in people to be led. The past six months of encoding broadcasts in psychotronic devices and manipulating chemical levels in groundwater, injecting animals with psychotropic substances has all led to a general impatience that can only be satisfied by prefabricated figures telling people what to do. Obviously I’ve missed something in all the calculations- the idea was to create a nation state of people dependent on what they perceived as their own thought and driven to vote and consume based on these influences, when in reality my methods have reduced them to sheep who want to snap to attention when someone tells them to do so!

You reading this- go smear peanut butter on your face .

I see by taking on Republican benefactors that the joke is on me.

Cult of personality: Hunter S. Thompson

One of my colleagues created Hunter S. Thompson- not as part of a population control strategy, or even on a whim, but as part of a bar bet. My colleague is alive and well at 90, and was part of the schism in population control back in the 1940s. (Back then half the population control community wanted a new American identity, the other half wanted to continue with what worked in the past.)

My colleague was bet $5 that he couldn’t create a voice that deviated beyond the acceptable 99.05% of the popular voice. (We look at voices within certain parameters based on random samples of psychological profiles.)

Sure as shit, taxes, and psychotronic mind control, he did it, and he started with a 2-year old.
Unfortunately his project self-destructed. It’s hard to deviate that much in such a tightly-controlled society. The psychotronics and chemicals had to have driven him to horrible feelings of loneliness and isolation. When you create a being immune to the identity-enhancing drugs and broadcasts you’re feeding the rest of the society, you tend to create an outcast. And whether the outcast knows it or not, his days are numbered.

But 67 years isn’t such a bad run on a bar bet. It’s guys that can create characters like that that I admire: but with a new generation of psychotronics in the R&D phase, I won’t get that same opportunity when I finally break off into designing cults of personality and leading characters to control populations.

A New Generation of Psychotronics

The threat of terror attacks tends to manipulate those living under a modern cusp. Coincidentally, these people also vote more per capita than other groups. They were born in to a time of great prosperity and wealth, and have never felt the icy and terrifying fingers of structural unemployment to the extent that previous and later generations have. This segment retired in the 80s and 90s and does not adapt to change as readily as other segments. This group has fewer computers in their homes, watches less television, listens to more radio, and does not feel comfortable living without fear of the Japanese, communism, rock and roll, and, most recently, terrorism. This segment absolutely needs something to fear- as much for fear’s unifying factor (us vs. them mentality) as fear itself- a concept they have never been without.
But, as mentioned, they tend to vote more than others- and as a bloc. And they need human leaders- the psychotronics and drugs don’t work on them any more as they do on younger, fresher minds.

Today is historic. I signed off on a grant to fund R&D on a new generation of psychotronics- ones that work well on older neural masses, eliminating the need for costly breeding and harnessing of the power of public figures. If all goes well we won’t have to create public figures any more., though sadly, that has been one of my dreams and career goals for years.

The R&D will take a good deal of time, as broadcasts will have to go out simultaneously with current code without interfering with other tactics targeted at younger people. Eliminating interference between the broadcasts will be a difficult task, but for the next 4 years (at least) money will not be a problem.

Racial Re-Assignment Surgery

As advanced as we are in controlling human populations, my agency is still subject to the horrible effects and shutdown caused by computer viruses. One of my jackass agents forwarded an e-mail by accident to most of the agency, rather than the fucker from the crowd that sent it to him in the first place. Some sort of "Blah blah blah… Priceless" shit. With photos. Deeper investigation revealed he had downloaded his antivirus program from Kazaa and it came fully loaded with all the antiviral options…and a virus.

And you won’t believe what kind of havoc a computer virus can wreak in an agency upon which entire populations and regions of inhabitants hinge their lives. Hence my lack of postings lately on our feats of mass manipulation.

Which brings me to another problem we’re having. My old Pal Jerky lives in one of these areas, but there are several areas throughout North America where the code in the psychotronic broadcasts is un-complementary, and sometimes flat-out conflicting with itself and the chemicals we strategically place in food and water supplies.

San Francisco is one of them. We are broadcasting so much in that area that people are abandoning the designs they have on getting sex changes, and going for race changes. Surgical race changing is nothing new- where do you think Joseph Mengele got his ideas and approaches to the topic?

High race change per-capita is usually a sign of identity crisis, but the odd thing about race change is that it spreads virally. We aren’t sure why this happens, but once tender young white boys pay the money to look like tender young Korean boys, the practice spreads like wildfire to areas of stable psychotronic broadcast and chemical implementation. There is no broadcast or chemical reason for young Texas Mexican boys to go to plastic surgeons and backdoor butchers in Dallas to change their outerlying ethnicity to Anglo or African. But they do.

We allow race changes because it is a practice ingrained in a very small minority that has minimal influence over the economy. It is still a curiosity to be studied, as one day we may very well need to understand why people want to change their ethnicity superficially to appease an innermost desire. Who knows? Perhaps my Republican benefactors will mandate race changes in the near future.

The militarydidn't always reject it- they've been hiring us to these types of thingsfor years. More recently, the Republican party has been contracting out our help with these types of things. Nothing I haven't mentioned before:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. military rejected a 1994 proposal to develop an "aphrodisiac" to spur homosexual activity among enemy troops but is hard at work on other less-than-lethal weapons, defense officials said on Sunday.

The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a declassified six-year, $7.5 million request from a laboratory at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research.

The proposal, disclosed in response to a Freedom of Information request, called for developing chemicals affecting human behavior "so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely affected."

"One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior," said the document, obtained by the Sunshine Project. The watchdog group posted the partly blacked-out, three-page document on its Web site.

Lt. Col. Barry Venable of the Army, a Defense Department spokesman, said: "This suggestion arose essentially from a brainstorming session, and it was rejected out of hand."

The Air Force Research Laboratory also suggested using chemicals that could be sprayed on enemy positions to attract stinging and biting bugs, rodents and larger animals.

Another idea involved creating "severe and lasting halitosis" to help sniff out fighters trying to blend with civilians.

The U.S. military remains committed to developing less-than-lethal weapons that pass stringent legal reviews and are consistent with international treaties, said Captain Dan McSweeny of the Marine Corps, a spokesman for the Pentagon (news - web sites) unit spearheading their introduction.

"We feel it's very important to offer our deployed service members and their commanders a greater range of options in dealing with increasingly complex operational environments," said McSweeny, of the Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate.

Tsunami Sexual Torture Video Abuse Photos

There is a small piece of the psychotronic code in our broadcasts (think of it like a piece of DNA composed of different Lego blocks) that targets teenagers- mostly boys- and drives them to look for stuff like on Google like beheadings, tortures, etc. videos. This same code also puts food on the tables of Army Recruiters and fuels a thriving prison industry. It is in the best interest of my budget to create social situations in which violence is desired.

It’s very easy to manipulate the Google searches spurred by cravings for violence- to view or even participate in its practice. Just like in Family Feud, we take surveys of different words to assess their neural impact and demand. I can draw hundreds of visitors to this site simply by typing in a few words and doctoring the code in the psychotronic broadcast. As long as the preordained chemical levels in the population’s bloodstreams are at sufficient levels, the psychotronics will be effective 99.95% of the time.

For example, let’s try this. I’ll even put up links that go straight to google:

Tsunami Death Video
Tsunami Devastation photos
Iraqi Prison Abuse Photos and Videos
Iraq Sexual Torture and Beheading
Tsunami Sexual Torture Video Abuse Photos

By now the non-reader is frustrated because he has been deprived of the convenience of links to exactly what he is desiring to see, all induced by psychotronics. He feels a small sense of failure in the back of his mind, one that will make him leave this website (without reading this paragraph) in search of a more convenient fix.

This should draw a good deal of traffic in the coming months, especially from youngsters. The power of psychotronics and the code we broadcast!

The Fuckers Return

Secret agencies are not immune to the antics/research of other secret agencies. I have come to the conclusion this evening that someone has spiked my gin. That agency I refer to as "The Fuckers" (see November postings) is probably the culprit organization behind this. See, in the past they have stolen beer from my private residence, but this time they have gone so far as to drug me with a flavorless unscented substance that could have come from nothing else I consumed other than gin. Or maybe it was the tonic. Either one, all other variables have been eliminated and it is obvious that someone is doing research on my agency. They are manipulating what I generally refer to as "competence variables" to test the effectiveness of the agency. If I were to go to the office in my current state my credibility would be blown to hell and the results of that drop in credibility could have detrimental effects on both the morale and the functioning of the agency.

I hate it when they do this, but they have to keep the entire field of secret agencies on their toes to maximize immunity to stuff like infiltration, disaster, etc.

I suspect they put a stimulant or a mild hallucinogen in my food or drink. This isn’t hard as I’m at the office most of the time and my home, though loaded with 22nd century intruder deterrence systems, is no match for the infiltrating power of another secret agency- especially one that does research and benchmarking of other secret programs. Their goal, quite obviously, is to induce a mild psychosis and see how psychosis within the administration affects operations.

I’ve been awake for 4 days. I see people conversing in empty cars. Flies buzz in my peripheral vision. We appear to be experiencing a meteor shower. There is a camera on every piece of infrastructure- every telephone pole, every guardrail, every lamp post. There are whispering shadows in the trees observing, and reporting. There is someone hiding behind every corner, and when I check, they’re gone.

Obviously I am experiencing some form of mild psychosis. May it benefit The Fuckers’ research on Yawning Anus, and if they are reading this blog, please stay out of my gin next time.

Astroturfing

Astroturfing is indeed on the rise as a practice in controlling populations. It is one of our many tools and is nothing new. However it has become much easier to use the the past 20 years because of technological advances. It is nothing new to advertising agencies- populist reactions are strongly tied to identity, and purchase decisions are based on identity. When you identify with the "bad guy" you make decisions regarding the "bad guy" based on your identity. So you pay to see Johnny Cash.

Astroturfing is indeed very closely tied to artistic commodities. Watching a thousand screaming children in a Bon Jovi video creates an assimilative apogee- thus the viewer buys the album and goes to the concert because that is "the thing" to do.

Adults fall for the soft green of the astroturf when it comes to voting. If my agency plants 20 astroturfing agents in a congregation of 200 (that's 10%) we can have the other 180 members thirsting for the blood of our opponent and voting exactly how we want them to because they see "everyone else" (our agents) espousing a predetermined breed of logic and they identify with "everyone else."

Astroturfing is also related to the Product Diffusion Curve. Innovators provide clear targets for manipulating those who fall behind them in the curve. Read more about diffusion theory here. Let's face it- it's much more economical to influence large groups through opinion leaders, as we do with televangelists.

Now, don't get me wrong- astroturfing is not the main tool we rely on for controlling populations and maintaining the status of the elite. It is however a very useful tool brought in to the 21st century into the medium of online communications.

Beheadings and Torture

One would be amazed that the majority of people stopping by this blog are Googling "beheadings and torture" and coming upon an old post I used to state a point. But these are clear results of psychotronic manipulation of populations: using psychotronics and chemicals we are able to create a secretly bloodthirsty consumer that votes Republican and lives beyond its means. Part of our contract with the Republican party is to form long-lasting social situations- population-wide- that create hatred for certain groups.

Conservative agendas usually use a "common enemy" to unite people and maintain the status of the elite. Clearly my agency's psychotronic and chemical use on U.S. populations has caused this result, and I should not be shocked by the fact most people come to this blog to link to Ogrish.com and look at people getting their heads cut off.

The GOTH Code

They wanted us to pull out the old GOTH code, so now every single broadcast tower in the U.S. is broadcasting a slightly different flavor of population manipulation. We use it every few years- 9/11, Hurricane Andrew, Baby Jessica trapped in the well… It has never been used for the sake of using it- it’s always politics, and it comes with a standard timeframe contract.

GOTH stands for "goodness of the heart" and it creates desires in people to give things away like money, food, or volunteer work. About every five years we’re asked to use it during the holiday season, but the retailers usually win out on the bidding.

The Tsunami has augmented our budget ½-fold- it has been very profitable for this agency. The Private Sector didn’t ask us to use it, but they do benefit from sales of volunteer airfare, food and clothing, and the energy costs to transport these things. This is a clear government vs. private sector situation: the government benefits from the use of the code with a trickle-down effect to the private sector, rather than the other way around. These occasions are rare, but they do happen.

The GOTH code will run in broadcasts for another 2 weeks until the contract runs out. So feel free to give so the next time I have to make a pitch on psychotronics I can cite YOUR support for the victims of this tsunami in my numbers and current 99.95% success rate in manipulating people.

Yawning Anus Plays at Parties

I never understood liberal agendas. Generally speaking, they’re bad for secret agency business, and with a secret agency referred to as (but not called) Yawning Anus, they tend to cut our budgets. They tend to be far-more complex, thought-out, and public than conservative agendas, which is why my agency’s coffers have been annually refreshed the past couple of years. They want a job done, we do it. We breed and raise perfect consumers and keep the elite in their place.

The frustrating thing about the Clinton years is that there were all these groups (potential contracts) who wanted to make some substances legal while demonizing others. We have worked on a very friendly basis with the pharmaceutical, energy, tobacco and alcohol industries for years- we’re not letting these partners (sugar daddies) go so easily. But in the 90’s we were pressured to abandon these friends and make new friends with opiate and marihuana producers, namely the Afghanistanis and the Colombianos. (Perhaps this is the reason we operated on a shoestring 5 years ago!)

Future politicians of the world (we already know who you are because, well, we’re in the process of turning you in to who we want you to be) listen close- don’t fuck with social structures and bases of economy that keep us in operation. Some things are ingrained in culture because we mandate it, and it’s just going to cause you problems down the road. Go with the flow. And retailers- don’t forget to outsource your needs to the agency that gets the job done.

Like I need to really say these things. We are in the middle of one of our larger projects that will eliminate any need to beg for contracts. We already have the psychotronic infrastructure in place and are working on the chemical distribution aspect.

"Punishment from God"

“Punishment From God” is an outdated form of propaganda. Granted, the routine still works in some parts of the world to whip populations into shape after natural disasters like tsunamis, but in a nation-state loaded with mind-altering chemicals in the food supply and psychotronic broadcasts, only the truly mindless can be influenced by such comments. Who really believed the hurricanes that ravaged Florida last summer were Divine Retribution for tolerance of homosexuals? I’ll tell you: people whose minds are so poorly or underdeveloped that chemicals and EM manipulation cannot affect them. That’s why we have to create televangelists and other bizarre figures to keep these populations under control.

Like politicians, televangelists are long-term projects. Anyone who has read The Boys From Brazil knows the importance of interplay between environment and biology in creating a puppet leader. Usually we start with the hugely underprivileged and overly religious frequently found among populations in marginalized areas, like West Virginia and Louisianna. We set conditions and variables so that they end up with religious educations at extremist/Southern Baptist universities- without these conditions they frequently live lives full of genetic disorders and conditions in menial service and production tasks. Some join the military.

But the “cream of the crop” (the easiest to manipulate) end up in the pulpits leading flocks of the marginalized and bleeding them dry. We have discovered they have a strong appeal with the elderly as well- we attribute this phenomenon to years of chemicals and psychotronics, as gradually they erode neural structures and function, creating consciousnesses more similar to the brainless lead babies born along the Rio Grande.

Using these puppets of televangelism to spread thought and behaviors that would otherwise be covered by psychotronics and chemicals, we accomplish the same results.

Oversimplification of Population Control

Conspiracy theorists tend to simplify things. The Daily Dirt once said "A house is a conspiracy of wood," which is closer to the social reality. One agency may represent the studs, others joists, still others floorboards, all the way up the perceivable scale to sheetrock, wallpaper, and plumbing fixtures. If we’re going by analogies, I am an administrator in a set of ceiling beams. We cover everyone, but also perform many specific tasks in the architecture of modern society, one of the most important being a structural provider for illumination.

Psychotronics is not necessarily or solely about the US3951134 nor is it about Lida Machines or any of this stuff.

It is, however, rooted in some of Delgado’s work:

"We need a program of psychosurgery and political control of our society. The purpose is physical control of the mind. Everyone who deviates from the given norm can be surgically mutilated.

"The individual may think that the most important reality is his own existence, but this is only his personal point of view. This lacks historical perspective.

"Man does not have the right to develop his own mind. This kind of liberal orientation has great appeal. We must electrically control the brain. Some day armies and generals will be controlled by electrical stimulation of the brain."

Delgado wrote long before mass-production of mind-altering chemicals fed into populations and amplified/muffled by broadcasts to produce effects in humans. It was a more mechanical time, when lobotomy could only be done by cutting open a man’s head.

And then you’ve got idiots like this, who feel mind control is inhumane, rampant, and used to maintain the elite’s status. Well, it might be rampant, but it’s probably far-more humane than leaving man to his own social structure and devices. I have professed extensively that these things are tools of the elite, as a beneficiary of their power, and know firsthand that by serving "The Machine" one is well-rewarded.

Perusing the outdated "Internet" (NOTE: Info from The Extranet fuels more information vehicles for agencies these days) I ran across an interesting article. It's nothing I haven't professed a hundred times, but it was interesting to see it put into actual words outside the unfathomable halls of the Yawning Anus.

Fundraising and membership often shoot up when part of the population feels its interests are threatened, analysts say. Liberal groups, such as Planned Parenthood and Greenpeace, have expanded dramatically with Republicans in power, for example, while the National Rifle Association and similar groups doubled in size during Bill Clinton presidency.

Well heck- I'll just post the whole article.

"It's been true--bogeymen always work the best in this business," said Robert Blaemire, president of Blaemire Communications, a Democratic political consulting firm based in Reston, Va. "If the sky is falling and your money can prevent the sky from falling and you believe the sky is falling, you're more likely to give."

Liberals, of course, have more reason to feel under siege now. But they also may feel hopeless and depleted after having sunk enormous time, energy and money into the Democrats' losing efforts in November, according to some with the most at stake.

"Fundraising is assumed to be better when you lose, but there are many times when it is not," said Steven Groeninger, director for direct marketing for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. "There are times when we see donors who really need to be rallied, because they question whether we can get anything done with President Bush in office for four more years."
Groeninger noted that donors who support gun control did not significantly increase their giving after the ban on assault weapons expired in September with the acquiescence of the Republican-led Congress, an event that could have been expected to trigger an outpouring of liberal support.
Energizing troops
It is too early to say with certainty how the election will affect fundraising and activism. Expected battles over immigration, Social Security Supreme Court nominations and other hot-button issues are likely to generate spurts of intense activity.
But organizations on both sides are worried, and they are doing what they can to ensure their troops' energy does not flag after an exhausting campaign.

Already on their heels from a presidency and Congress controlled by Republicans, liberals say they urgently need an outpouring of money and support to stem that tide.
When Democrat Al Gore lost to Bush in 2000, environmental groups such as the Sierra Club saw a 50 percent increase in membership and donations. But liberal organizations are not reporting the same surge in the weeks since Bush's re-election win against Sen. John Kerry, and that has them worried.

In e-mails and fundraising letters and on Web sites, liberals argue that with Bush and a GOP-led Congress so firmly in control, more effort than ever is necessary to block conservative initiatives.

"An anti-choice White House, Congress and closely divided Supreme Court mean only one thing: Pro-choice Americans must stand up and speak out today to protect the right to privacy and right to choose," says a message from NARAL Pro-Choice America, a group that supports abortion rights.

The Sierra Club strikes a similar tone on its Web site: "The most anti-environmental Congress and president in a generation will resume their assault on our nation's air, water, and natural heritage in 2005. ... You can make a difference."

Some liberals say the key is to talk about the issues that matter to people rather than to vilify individual leaders.

"We're focusing on what we stand for rather than what we stand against," said Matthew Sherrington, development director for Greenpeace. "We're talking now about what is right and what is wrong, and what the environment has to do with it."

One recent set of Greenpeace mailings does not name names but instead features photographs of huge smokestacks, oil spills and destroyed forests with the message "Hate this?" Next to the pictures appear photos of a whale swimming in clean water, a clear sky and the Amazon rain forest with the words "Love this!"

No time to back off

Meanwhile, conservative groups, including gun-rights organizations and anti-abortion groups, urge supporters to stick with the fight even though they seemingly face few threats to their interests. The GOP victories present a rare opportunity for historic change, they say, and this is no time to back off.

Fundraisers for conservative groups acknowledge that their base could grow complacent during Bush's second term. They will emphasize a message of "protecting their power," said Richard Norman, head of a conservative direct-mail firm.

"There's sort of an urgency to strike while the iron is hot," he said. "Everyone pretty much understands that politics and ideological trends swing like a pendulum. So while the Republicans and conservatives are in control at this point, we know that is only going to be for a matter of time."

Another conservative strategy is to argue that threats can come from anywhere--if not from a President Kerry, then perhaps from Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.).

"Certainly there's a demographic out there that activates when there's more of a threat," said NRA spokesman Andrew Arulanandam. "But I think that NRA members and gun owners in general are very politically savvy, and they understand that a threat does not necessarily come from the top--it can come from any member of Congress or a variety of different avenues."
After the election, Moral Majority founder Rev. Jerry Falwell announced he is forming a broader group, the Moral Majority Coalition, "to utilize the momentum of the Nov. 2 elections to maintain an evangelical revolution of voters who will continue to go to the polls to `vote Christian.'"

Another conservative group, the National Federation of Independent Businesses, which represents small business, also is pleased with the election.

Yet without warning explicitly against complacency, its members are told, "As your newly elected lawmakers prepare to take office, take a moment to say hello and remind them of the issues most important to you. Remember to keep the voice of small business strong."
Activism and donations from all sides are likely to pick up somewhat when Congress begins voting on politically divisive topics over the coming year.

An early flash point is likely to be the fight over Bush's nominee for chief justice. The current Supreme Court chief justice, William Rehnquist is expected to resign soon after he swears in Bush at the Jan. 20 inauguration.

NARAL Pro-Choice America's Web site features a short satirical "movie" titled "Creatures From the Far Right: Supreme Court Under Attack," with Bush as "King Wrong" and Republican lawmakers as a multiheaded "Senataur."

"Will pro-choice Americans save the day?" it asks. "It's up to you!"

Homosexual Populations

San Francisco is full of psychotronic broadcast towers. My agency operates most of them and I have to sign off on changes in their broadcasts, as well what chemicals we put in the food, air, and water supplies to keep the results at maximum efficiency.

Ever since the Kennedy years we have been tweaking the code in the broadcasts using California as a our own laboratory for studying population control and manipulation. All the vocal gay rights groups I’m proud to say are our creations. Not so much the groups themselves as the constituents. First we created a large gay population in San Francisco. Then, in the sixties and seventies, as word got around and we threw out pieces of psychotronic code here and there in Houston, Chicago, New York, and Atlanta, a mass migration took place over a 30 year period.
Let me back up- it’s like the bug zapper analogy I used a while back- these meccas of interest serve to attract the interested from not only other states, but other continents as well. The current broadcasts serve to reinforce what I call the "identity" subprocess common to all humans. It’s a subprocess that helps the consciousness maintain an equilibrium in respect to itself and the roles it plays in the lives of others. With these particular broadcasts in San Francisco, we electromagnetically influence thought processes to make it "Ok to be gay." Drugs help too.

We have created a population in which homosexual desires flourish- and we’ve been very successful at it. In the future we could use similar strategies to control population, but these strategiestend to be more popular with liberals. Conservatives favor a "starve the beast" approach to population management and tend to legislate sexual behavior in a manner that causes explosions in population and family debt. It is during these times that government tends to pay better than the private sector in controlling the behavior of the masses.

Paying The Bills

All I can say is, when you don't pay your bills, your services get cut off. Certain retailers out there thought they could use simple neural massages loaded in to their advertising to coax dollars out of consumers this holiday season. These things were abandoned in the 50's when we made the switch to psychotronics. Every 15 years or so marketing departments express new interest in them, completely forgetting their utter failure in the past. Smart companies outsource their marketing to us because psychotronics have a much lower probability of failure in producing desired results in populations- even lower when broadcast with activation chemicals in the water, food and air.

Another factor going on here is the re-exploding price of gasoline. We have contracts with several energy companies to keep people's anger at bay when they raise prices. These same energy companies- with our help- have doubled their profits off gasoline in the past 6 years, tripled their natural gas revenues, and the consumers haven't done a thing about it beyond blaming it on war in Iraq or unscrupulous accounting procedures. About .05% of the population is actually trying to do something about the rise in energy prices. I guess you could call that our "failure rate." That means 99.95% of the time our methods accomplish what they are intended to.

Now if only regular retailers would spend that extra dollar they would not suffer from spiraling stock prices.

"But Yawning Anus is a government agency!" you say. And that we are, but if the government cuts our funding, like Clinton, and Carter before him- we won't starve, but like malls everywhere, we will thrive in the holiday season and go thin the rest of the year.

Special Christmas Post

Around this time of year, the Requests For Permission To Assassinate A Known Threat and Request For Permission to Monitor Without Probable Cause forms dry up. I find myself signing contracts with department stores that basically send my agents out to tweak psychotronic broadcasts and dump mind-altering chemicals into the ventilation systems of major department stores. This process works well with our government contracts and keeps the funding pouring in.

The Elite favor a social structure where they find themselves on top- debt is one of the more important variables used to keep people in check. When one's mind revolves around one's debt, one's mind does not wander in to areas where it could obstruct the status quo. Society doesn't take kindly to those who tell their debtors to fuck off, and a little juice and broadcast keep those minds wandering the halls of financial instability and dependence. An encounter with an agent here and there is a cheap means of reinforcing that fear- it keeps debt awareness top-of-mind.

But getting back to my corporate contracts- basically we insert a line of code in to the broadcasts that boosts desire to shop- it's the same instinct man has evolved with- to look for something they want, to scavenge, to forage. You mix in what I like to call "Holiday Cheer"- a drug whose chemical name is too hard to remember, and which will never have a brand name- and that little tiny line of code rearranges nearosynaptic firing to the point the subject spends money like a drunken sailor on subjects previously planted as friends, associates, and family. I say "planted" and the reader says "you don't plant family members." Well, you don't really plant family members, but through careful population control you can breed them. You can breed entire populations of consumers and keep them balanced through a steady diet of tools ranging from psychotronic broadcasts, debt, drugs, and fear.

Corporate employees and chairs are of course not directly aware of what's going on. Their marketing and advertising departments usually outsource the holiday season to means more powerful than themselves. Thus, whatever you call it- Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Etcetera is a big time for us and our budgets. Our accountants work overtime from about October till February, and we keep those folks locked up good- I mean accounting practices in secret agencies are not something we want getting out. Not that an accountant could blow the whistle on us, but if they went to the liberal media...